And my heart's in the strangest place, That's how it started and that's how it ends

I think I'm basing my resolutions off of my pursuit towards the simplicity inspired by Henry David Thoreau (Simplicity, Simplicity, Simplicity!)

Resolutions...
To be less hard on myself,
To start Moxy Lovechild with Jenny,
To finish many, many books (outside of school reading <3... probably at least one book every 2 months? hopefully it will take less time),
To get into the Advanced Poetry Workshop (hopefully... I'm not going to get my hopes up, but I'm going to try my best),
To start yoga (or kickboxing)/running again,
To learn guitar (longest resolution going- about 7 years!)
and to continue striving towards clarity. Simplicity. Happiness.

Last year, December was a slight mess. This year, December seems to be a huge mess... but there is a group of fantastic friends that have honestly made my year. My E28Besties. My Babycakes. I remember the day I walked into Sam Arkin's class, determined to get out of the slump Fall Quarter placed me in. I looked around and felt something... The next class I end up talking to the girl who ends up being my twin about Sam's shoes. The next few run-ins with this group came from Starbucks adventures, talks before class, friendly hellos, random group projects... A "study group" for our final the next day (possibly the easiest final ever). I found my roommates, and my best friends who I would do anything for. We found each other at the exact right moment in our lives... Plain and simple: I love you my E28Besties<3
Add in the amigos from espanol and the group of people I met in E100... and me oh my, Irvine you look so fine <3

2009 was a year of major growth, of strongly setting my foundation down. There have been a lot of adventures, and absolutely many more to come. I've accomplished more than what I thought would be possible (an internship, being published twice, a job with coffee bean). I'm confident, even with the slight blows to the gut, the heart, the soul, the mind... I'm finding the equilibrium between my logos and pathos (haha).

Here's to 2010... With the company I have, I can tell this is going to be a beautiful year.
[In the New Year- The Walkmen]

I'd rather be or nothing at all

Fake Flowers

One lonely step.
A silence, a puckering
Of the lips as petals fall.
It’s the aftermath of the tongue,
Dropping words as if they could
Simply wither away
In a silken furnace
Heated by the dull underbelly
Of forgotten wanderlust.

I’ve kept an idea of love
In its higher form-
I think it’s through the nose
That one can tell whether
There is truth in one spoken
Word.
To go any higher means to
Offer yourself to falling
Into shards of glitter frost
And no one wants that.

---

(a work in progress)

You're mind is racing like a pro, now, Oh my god it doesn't mean a lot to you

We are carpenters.

When one truly thinks about it, everyone makes things. Chairs, for example. We make them for a functional purpose. But what makes them good or bad? It's all objective, it's all made up of standards, of judgments... and then personal sentiment rides in. It makes one look at the chair and decide whether it serves its purpose or not. In truth, it serves a purpose. Just not to you.

And life is the ultimate pharmakon. It's a matter of "different, but the same". Pliers versus the copper ring. One was needed for the other to be necessary. Such is pain- in order to feel life, one must experience it. It is then broken into what we make of pain- how we deal, how long we allow it to affect our current state, how often it recurs and how it settles. Without pleasure, there is no pain. Without life, there is no death... So when one experiences that sense of dying, there is also that experience of feeling life, of reaching out to it with the utmost optimism and hope that you will escape from its clutches... "Because life is just right". It happens for reasons beyond our grasps.
I wish you could see that personal sentiment makes life an individual experience, but it can be simultaneously shared. You can have that hand to hold when you think no one understands.
Because I will try my very damnedest to get to that level of understanding, and although it will never be full understanding (because I will never experience life within your eyes), I will understand.
Just give me the chance to. Trust me, we'll pull through.

Now it's your rights versus mine, the truth in one free afternoon

Really life, really?
All within the same week?

<3aileen.elif.baum.cho.deanna.diane.jenny.david.fettig.stefanie.justin.tashi.
it could be worse... but you guys are the most amazing friends (and siblings) I will ever have. thank you thank you thank you.

It's everything that is connected and beautiful and now I know just where I stand

My optimism feels like it has been sucked out of me with a straw- directly to the core, hitting that final nerve, knocking every content out of my body into the unknown (for who am I to discuss the contents of my being when they are constantly shifting position, changing shape, falling and lifting in various speeds?)

everything has slowly been crashing down. and I am not one to focus on the haphazard, but the events have stacked in a way that the tower would eventually fall. I knew how to make it- but I was praying that it wouldn't have to be.

I jump to conclusions too swiftly. and by goodness, I am hoping I am wrong (see, there is still some form of optimism). there was something different- maybe is. for the first time, I felt a part of myself truly alive with the potential of something really, really good. and maybe I assumed too much. maybe technology is just lame.

all I know is that a lot of amazing things are happening, coinciding with cherry bomb explosions- you know, the small surprise attacks that, when set off, create something larger, a hit to the soul, to the very core. shock followed by a catharsis, a quick roll of the pathos over the logos...
perhaps I should just remain stoic. but that is not who I am. but I have done it once, twice before. and I am prepared to do it again.

I'm on the fence. please, don't let me down.

Morning is mocking me...

Trying to sleep, but can't (welcome back, blogging nights).

This break is truly beautiful...
Holiday Hootenanny with my ABC was by far the most amazing concert experience (minus my slight dehydration, and by slight I mean stumbling through the crowd...)
Photoshoots/Talks with my Beautiful Gabrielle :) (I am wearing the scarf she gave me everywhere)
Tea-Time-Catch-Ups with Daniel... and future music adventures of reminiscing about the moon.
Coffee Bean. Gah, loving it extremely. Nervous as ever, but loving it.

And there is a lot more of this... Hannukah passing by, the prospect of the holidays, Lady Gaga to attend...

the disjunct of the mind, for the record.
I have been trying to sleep for a few hours. Yet I cannot.
I cannot because the weight within my chest keeps heaving sighs.
Which leads to the mind, which leads to the throat,
where my vocal chords slowly rapt against it,
leading my tongue to flicker the syllables that ought to be said...
and I stared at my phone.
I stared, knowing which number I desired to call...
but it's Russian Roulette.
So when will the ricochet of your voice
enter, straight through me
to calm my nerves, to sink as deeply as if you were here
because, I am willing to do just that.

but a dear friend told me... I got this.
and after finally breathing, I may be able to sleep and march into the sunrise <3

Just like yesterday, I told you I would stay

(shh, I'm not supposed to be on this)
But I can't help but think...
will absence make the heart grow fonder, or will this be "out of sight, out of mind"?

I could indulge in this topic for days. The fluctuating romantic in me is being ruffled up by realism. My cynical side is showing- the one with doubts, the one who needs proof after proof after proof...
Deep down, it comes to the point that I feel my chest, mind, lungs- every organ- rise in anticipation of seeing... and I sigh. To audibly hear reality trickle down around me. To pinch a nerve that this is a moment, however fleeting, but a moment that continuously plays in my head again and again. I want it on repeat.
Because it's been the best I've felt in a long time.

Death by chocolate is a myth, this I know because I lived

Sia is speaking intensely to me tonight (the album Some People Have Real Problems was a huge obsession last year). It's a nice reminder to pick up an album, listen to it playing, and lie around, letting the thoughts and memories flash back and forth between the past and the present.

This week certainly was made of many highs and many lows. The lows were hitting hard within my gut, and I would hate to dwell on them further. But the highs are certainly taking me towards an even brighter future.... I have a job at Coffee Bean now (have not yet started, but it's happening), the quarter is almost over (sad/happy), I have a huge opportunity that may be happening next quarter (I don't want to indulge too much- those who know know what I'm talking about. I just don't want to jinx it)... And, as always, my darling darling friends were around to raise my spirits.

Maybe that's something about the holidays- the little instances of cheer that are thrown in at unexpected moments. Today's events were certainly filled with that- started off the morning horrendously, but then as the day progressed there was laughter and presents and excitement... mmm.
Another example: my darling Elif posted a menu inspired by me (she is an incredible little cook, that lovely girl). The last item (which I am so insanely intrigued by/am becoming obsessed with)... White Chocolate Creme Brulee. I will not die by this at all :)
Thanks<3

Now, finals week has begun, meaning I should not be on this thing... pretty much at all. But, regardless, there is something to post in a way. For my poetry class we had to work on a piece... I never knew my status within the class, as in I could never tell how I was doing academically or creatively. I simply tried my best and fit my professor's mold as best I could. We had to do these 5-sentence write-ups every week based on books we decided to read (I am, in fact, going to finish these books during the break), and eventually they turned into a single piece... Which is what I am going to post below, because as I look at it, I am particularly proud of a moment within there. This piece has shown me my ability to adapt within a certain style while trying to stay true to myself as a poet, if you will.
Perhaps I will edit it further. Perhaps I will let it stand as an assignment-to never be touched again. But it is below, in this form, for a reason for now, and that is where it will stay.

---
Penn Station

Evi descends into Penn Station as she does every weekday at eight in the morning. The air tastes bitter. She is claustrophobic in August sweat.

There is an old Hungarian reading the paper—a girl in knock-off Prada humming. Evi wants to be above it, spinning through spotless glass, sitting in a leather chair in a large room of windows overlooking maple trees.

She finds a green bench and thinks of Portland. It smells of mildew. Through the pigeons pass a pair of red shoes which she covets. She dreams of mahogany and lilies.

Evi taps her foot against the concrete. The clink from her wooden soles vibrates up her leg, sending a second pulse as she folds into herself.

She had always been quicksilver and driven, he knew that. The dandelion seeds always floated to the east, she explained to him. Him in his navy blazer with his green eyes.

He predicted they could never go too far- only to the next layer of mud and maple leaves. She knew they escaped into the night, falling into potted plants, street cracks, gated trees.
She needed to float with them- he decided to settle.

The train arrives. He said to never ride the subway. She drifts within the crowd, falling further into the crevice of the city.

---

and there you have it.

I get to play at being irresponsible, I come home late at night and I love your soul

I'm going back to Irvine tonight at 10 pm. Why so late? Waiting for the best friend of course!

The break was intensely needed. I found my roots in the rainy nights San Diego provided- playing in 3-tiered playgrounds, sitting on secret benches, watching the flooding clouds pass the moon... all the while getting together with the lovely best friends and eating copious amounts of food with the fambam. And hey, I even squeezed some schoolwork in there (I won! Kinda. Didn't get as much as I would like done, but eh, what can you do?)

Other highlights: I finished holiday shopping... yes, I got myself a few things: knotted headband, Egyptian necklace, Egyptian-ish amazing pin of life, a ring... and the vendor fair is this week as well.
BUT... I have an interview with Coffee Bean tomorrow at 11:30 am! Please keep me in your thoughts... I need this job. I'm getting good vibes about it all over the place (plus, if you know me, you know I should be working here. I practically know the drinks by heart). Potential problem- I won't be spending as much time back home for break... But we'll see what we can work out if (when..eeeeee) I get hired.

To round this out, little obsessions/a belated "what I am thankful for" list of life.
* Ambling Alps- Yeasayer (the music video is so surreal. favorite part is drummer man)
* Fireworks- Animal Collective
* Funny Little Frog- Belle and Sebastian (listen to the version from God Help the Girl- absolutely incredible)
* Mixed CDs (thank you CD burner for coming back to life. Slash, to my lovely friend for burning me fantastic mixes)
* Always music- White Rabbits, Laura Marling, God Help the Girl, Regina Spektor, (ladygagashhhhhandlove), Spoon... mm mm mm
* Books... may I please have time to read? Two more weeks until Dave Eggers and many poets (Alan Shapiro, Michael Ryan, Colette Atkinson) are in my hands
* Fambam + friends... I love and adore you all (this will get a bit more detailed come December).
* Let's get done with school, yeah?
* Knots. Cuffs. Sequins on black. Corduroy. Lace. Hieroglyphics. Spelling that correctly.
* Poetry ideas floating around- cicada rhythm, wind damage, osmosis, acoustic popcorn... and that's not even half of it.

Exit, Voice, and Loyalty... not an obsession, but a book that desires me to read it. Goooodbye!

Remember the weight of the world, it's a sound that we used to buy...

I'm in a writing funk for school, and there seems to be a chord pulling my heart and mind from my chest.
Below is a found poem (as in, placing phrases I discovered in various books) I wrote almost a year ago. It's hitting some sort of nerve-ending within myself.

---
Era of Faux-Romantics (A Found Poem)

“Living together” is a neutral term
For rogues drifting through society.

There is real danger
In “idle talk” and “vain-glory”…

This room, too, was empty
Implying vulgarity in thinking
All sorrows can be born

From the maddening ephemeral nature of love.

Consciousness, with its own content,
Will never perish from this earth.
---

Just a few more days until break <3

An addiction to hands and feet...

Publication #2 in the UCI New Forum Fall '09 issue :)
---

Creation

I am a proud form-
My body was planted with roots, bound earth
And yet my hands sprouted to hold onto you.

I have crafted blood to flow
Through the jungle of nerves,
Past the artifacts of beating thoughts

That surface, like spice on the tongue
Affecting your autumn-bitten face.
Your chapped lips split wide,

Revealing your teeth,
That gentle gateway
That allows for you to speak

Of tangled fingers and crossing veins.
You have been formed, and I am proud
To hold you against the sky.

---
obsession: dance anthem of the 80s- regina spektor.
listen and swell.

I could tell you, but telling gets old

As thoughts of the sublime swell within my mind (oh yes, pathos, you take that logos... But please only momentarily, because I do need to allow my logos to rule my wandering thoughts), I allowed my fingers to graze the mouse towards this page once again.

Tonight is the Leonid Meteor Shower, one that occurs every 30 or so years (33 maybe?). I honestly wanted to escape to the observatory and witness it without the light pollution in Irvine, but I feel that the best choice is to sleep, considering I have my reading tomorrow (eee!) and I plan on really working on my essay...

Ultimately, there is always that search for the perfect moment- when the earth and sky seem to crash into each other (no, not melt and mold into each other like a sunset- too cliche), and perhaps this night would have taken my imagination beyond its playful freedom into the elevated state of the sublime... There is a longing for crisp breath, molecular moisture hitting the skin, the gentle murmur of voices with the occasional crash against silence...

My first shooting star was unexpected. It was after my last band concert of the year, the last week of school. I waited for my ride home and found myself busily flustering between my belongings and the company I was with. I looked up in a moment of mere coincidence, and together we witnessed this phenomena. Another star would cross my way in the form of this past summer, but the elements remain the same: the sense of wonder, the build-up towards the sky, the cold wind clearing the mind.

I am reminded when I experience what I call "the haze"- when everything seems to blur besides one particular detail. You know you do not want to blink for sheer fear of losing this moment, but to truly realize the moment you must blink... and if the haze continues, you know there is something beyond it. The choice is whether to fall down the rabbit hole, stand within reality, or trip continuously between the two mindsets.

Perhaps you can guess where I have landed, but for now I am imagining the stars falling from the sky.

Some things work but me I choose to lose my skin in the dirt...

I just erased everything I typed.

Let's get to the (vague) facts, because this is going to be an intense week.
* 126 days (!)
* Holiday Hootenanny <3 (ooooh my goodness so excited)
* Publication #2 occurred :) I have a reading on Tuesday (always the butterflies and bumblebees- nerves and excitement), and I am truly so, so, so excited and amazed to have the opportunity to do this. Poem will be posted by the end of the week
* I don't want to discuss the copious amount of work I have due this week. What I will say is that I was quite productive today, so hopefully that will continue to spill into... later today.
* Agatha de la Prada, Gori de Palma, Ana Locking- guess I have my spanish presentation to thank for these three lovely names of new fashion musings.

Obsessions (as of late, because the winter time is upon us all)
* Corduroy pants (particularly trousers. Next purchase is a pair from H&M... hopefully).
* Paper-bag waists
* Bigbigbig scarves (but I'm of an average size- will I still get swallowed?)
* Gypsy Den. This could have its own sub-list. (This obsession is not new, but the introduction to cheap and delicious creme brulee and amazing tea is).
* Break being in... less than two weeks!
* Being able to read books during the break <3 (Goals: Finish Lolita and get through A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. Oh, and I guess some e100 but shh- that's not supposed to actually be discussed!)
* I'm figuring out how to spoil the loved ones for the holidays... mmm, inklings :)
* My CD burner magically deciding to work again! Road trip playlists are coming back <3
* This weekend- Venice Beach on an impromptu whim. Graffiti walls, sand, shopping, returning for some delicious (and familar) Korean BBQ (ooohmygoodness). I love you girls<3
* Finally going to experiment with the Diana+... yikes!

It is about two hours past the original time I was going to post this xD Oh well!
(Note: posted at 4 am something or other)

When all tomorrows are gone, there will be teeth in the grass

Here is my cliche reason #205 as to why I'm blogging late at night (per usual): I'm supposed to be typing up my field notes for the past two weeks, and instead I casually wandered to this here little screen of joy, finally able to write something that is (hopefully) enjoyable. (Do not worry, the field notes are casually due before my internship Weds... so I'll do them later today).

Of course, there are a few thoughts floating within my psyche lately to the point of my pathos overtaking my logos (a little e100 humor, if you will).

To put this fairly bluntly, I believe a vast majority of us undermine our self-worth.
I would blame this on modesty, but perhaps modesty is skimming the surface. We are raised to believe we are special, unique, the apple of one's eye... And yet, as we grow older, we must allow our shine to dim. We realize there are a million more people out there taking the same major, loving the same music... and yet in this we find those who we lovingly call our friends. Perhaps these are the people who buffer you up every once in a while- allow you to shine in a moment of accomplishment, of need. It's a simultaneous buffering if you will, for when you shine you can only hope to allow the person that caused you to do so in the first place to shine as well. There are those moments when memory tends to overtake oneself from reality and place them back into a euphoria- it's when the night sky glimmers as the leaves of grass rustle with a cool breeze and the clouds seem to lift away from the cityscape to allow for that perfect view of feeling that last layer peel off and letting our notions of preconception lift itself away. Perhaps I have honestly gotten ahead of myself (the price of late-night blogging), and I do not have a real solution to give. It's evaluation- realizing how much you may actually mean to someone vs. what you honestly do mean to them... Not to say that we can predict to what degree we will affect another person. It's human desire to be surrounded by company (even bad company is better than none at all) because we are social creatures. Another leap of the mind thanks to Rousseau, but a leap I was willing to at least attempt.

In other babbling news, I am obsessed with Iron and Wine as of today (hence the title- finally, some relevance!). I can predict there is a lot of music that is making the "dear family and friends, the holidays are here" list. I could ramble- in fact, I will: White Rabbits, Yeasayer, Loney Dear, Port O'Brien, Plants and Animals... mmm. And this is only part of it.


PS- I want everything? http://www.kdikiovintage.net/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=1 Particularly the mustache man (I hate facial hair, but this is so amazing), and the lady janey... I may need to buy myself things!

With that, I need to sleep. I'm crumbling like a flower without water, which is not pleasant. So goodnight!

Well how do you do, a kiss on the cheek, well it's been a while...

*Breathes out*

I finally found a moment to visit this lovely little page. Blog-time vs. real-time is certainly a concept that I just became quite aware of- when the days have so many small (yet exciting!) events going on, and they seem to pile upon each other... Certain things become rejected. Like my "dirty" room (... clothes on the chair. They'll get hung up in a bit), the books scattered all over my floor in various places... That may be it? I am a bit delirious- I should be sleeping due to not being able to gain a proper night's sleep for the past 2 nights (all my own doing, of course), but I felt the urge to type this-here blog.

So with midterms out of the way (at least for a while), I have a bit of time to concentrate on a few other activities (at least, for what my planner is telling me, a week minimum-ish. It's pushing it a bit!), I decided to make a list of what I need to accomplish/desire to do with the time I have between now and... then? Sure!

* Car wash
* Clean my room
* READ (like a good student girl!)
-- For class (I will not bore you with the details)
-- Nylon Magazines
-- Lolita (finish it!)
-- Poetry Books
* BUY/look into
-- White Rabbits
-- Mt. St. Helen's Vietnam Band
-- The Spinto Band
-- Sufjan Stevens' The BQE
* SUBMIT
-- Poems, poems, poems
* Live life? Sounds like a plan :)

I'll be more profound next time, I promise!
*

Spanish was easy peasy! Now, studying for poli sci/preparing for Sylvia Plath's "Morning Song" presentation...

BUT- I figured out what I want to be for halloween.

Ever hear of Little Eidie from Grey Gardens? Well, I was toying around with the idea of Lolita... then BAM. Grey Gardens plopped from the sky and landed like a meteor to my brain :)

I can do this. Yay!

Goodbye!

I know you're a serious lady, Living off a teacup full of cherries

This is going to be extremely quick, considering that this week I have a Spanish exam, a poetry presentation, and a poli-sci midterm all breathing down my neck.
... except, of course, the poet inside of me decides it's a great time to be inspired to write. Thanks inspiration, you finally hit at the wrong time (completely kidding- I love this feeling. It's relief in itself, an unexpected twist in my day... Especially considering today. Note to self: Do not have a Vanilla Eye Opener from Cyber A- it got me too intensely jittery. Also, this whole "pinched nerve/pulled muscle" in my shoulder/neck area does not help life at all!).

Okay, I lied: I may have been writing this for the past 10-15 minutes, BUT pitchfork has an amazing link to some of my favorite bands teaching guitar and I died a little bit with happiness :). Maybe this will motivate me to actually play my guitar? I say yes.

And below, my VERY rough poem (originally plural, but the inspiration has run dry as spanish stares me in the face). mmmhmmm.

Fogheat

It was on the skillet road
Of that musty fallen morning
That I speculated climbing out
Of the moving car-side window

Where my feet would burn,
My eyes would desiccate,
And my body would float among
The molecules, to only graze upon
Your cell-locked frame.

Your mouth was a tunnel of verbs
And nouns and run-on sentences
And every grammatical error I dared
To place my hand upon-
It was all too far lost to notice
That if I took one more step
I could simply edge myself away
Towards the speculum of you,
Where your body was once a map
That led my unclean lenses
To the sight of hot breath
Against the cooling window.

It was only a speculation-
Breathing is just haze for the
Lungs to grab onto,
And words are only escaping fingertips
Grazing across heated frames.

(And by the time this is actually posted, I have sat around and done pretty much.... some spanish studying. Oooooh yeah!) Officially back to work :)

Of your eyes, begonia skies like a sleepyhead

Remind me again why I enjoy late-night blogging?

Quite possibly because I just got done with the work due tomorrow (er, today...) which was not quite so terrible. However, I do need to catch up on so much reading (So.Much.Reading)... but it will get done, as it always does, and I will still find time to play in the sunshine :)

So, for my own sake, let's break it down bits-and-blurbs style (I still get really excited when blurb does not have a red squiggly line underneath)...

* Oh music list, why do you continue to grow? Passion Pit, Those Dancing Days, Cymbals Eating Guitars, Sufjan Stevens' The BQE (which, let's be honest- I may just need to buy this one now. I've been waiting since last year or so for it to finally come out and the bando inside of me freaked out a bit)...
* I've compiled a "Currently Obsessed With..." list on my iPod, and it is fantastic :)
* Still on the search for a dark nail polish that looks black but is really a color...
* I need to find more artwork for my walls!
* Recently met Laura Bennet from Project Runway 3... okay, I need to talk about this. A-mazing. I asked about her opinion on perfume intertwining with fashion, and we went on a good 3 minute conversation in front of the whole crowd. I have decided that when I am her age, I will be wearing skirts with feathers on the bottom... and magically grow five more inches :)
* Why do I continue to buy more and more books/magazines? I just bought Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, along with Pop magazine (I had a giftcard! It's from the UK, hence super expensive. And Tavi is on the cover- oh fashion blogging <3)... Let's make time to read, yeah? But only after class readings :(
* My internship started last week with the lil' chilluns. I get to teach poetry to 4th graders, and it is absolutely lovely (and REAL poets- not dumbed down, "Hi-I-write-for-fourth-graders" stuff)!
* One word: Fogheat. Oh, it gets my English-major blood boiling to write.
* Speaking of writing, I need to submit some work to Faultline and New Forum...
* Um what, facebook advertisement? Bright Star- a movie about John Keats and his muse Fanny Browne and their forbidden love? I may have just poetically geeked out a bit.
* There are so many birthdays from now until Christmas. Dear bank account, allow me to spoil those I love for the holidays. Sincerely, Carly :)
* That whole "let's find a job" idea from say a month ago? Yeah, let's actually do it.
* I want to watch movies. A ton of them. Ah, escapism <3

Thought-of-my-month: With E28D I'm allowed to read any books I want (as long as they are nonfiction). I decided to go with an earthy-theme of physical earth and... perfume (it comes from molecules. And herbs and flowers and such). Because of my research, I have begun to focus on scent- the simplicity and the complexity. Particularly, the opposite scents of what one expects to smell, like the deli rose- beautiful, yet smells like something completely different (for example, artichoke)... I want to play with the concept of dirty vs. clean.

I adore richer scents- sandalwood, musk, black velvet, vetiver. Florals bother me at times. Citrus is my favorite form of clean. I'm not partial to oriental scents. As I read The Perfect Scent by Chandler Burr, I continually fall in love with the idea of someone walking around, looking completely like a girl into pinks and flowers but instead wafts in darker, richer, dirty musk. Scent builds upon itself, only to fade away through layers... It's like arpeggios and chords: when harmonies mix completely with melodies, I simply die (good example: Blood Bank by Bon Iver. Or, any song by him. Flume, Skinny Love...).

Within one random jot-of-thought, I wrote on the belief of love flowing through the nose in the form of truth... Perhaps I am becoming too focused on scent as a memory, as a trigger of love's past... or I'm falling prey to the sleep giants that be. The basics: welcome into the insight of perfume, my hidden obsession.

And goodnight :)

And you will go to Mykonos, With a vision of a gentle coast

Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity.

Thought of the week: Why must all one writes be universal? Why must we feel this need to be mystical within ourselves, to discover some special spark all our own, to outshine the midnight air in hopes of being discovered for our talents, our thoughts, our hopes, ourselves. There is something epic in being able to influence, to pass along the glitter of one's imagined concoctions and hope for the person next to you to share within your light, to transfer one's energy into the next, to travel on that blanket towards something... and yet my words are flooding me forward.

Robert Pinsky has confirmed my love for the craft of writing. Tonight (in my 3-hours-of-sleep-haze) I decided to go to his lecture on translation, and was just blown completely away- his voice, his emphasis on phrase, his kind nature... I ended up buying his translation of Dante's Inferno (which I hear is absolutely incredible, and I can't wait to find the time to read it eventually). How am I not surprised that I spent more money on another book (while I'm planning on buying a few more- some Dave Eggers, Oscar Wilde, Frank Bidart, and Michael Ryan... mmm).

Let's keep this as simple as I possibly can, and how else to extract oneself than to list?
* Needing to listen to my collection of... Animal Collective, Snow Patrol, We Are Scientists, Silversun Pickups, The Raconteurs, Sondre Lerche, Regina Spektor, The Do, Arctic Monkeys, Grizzly Bear, Noise Addict, Nada Surf, Kate Nash ... and a lot more :)
* Reacquaint myself with: Hey Ocean!, Fleet Foxes, Yo La Tengo, Modest Mouse, Voxtrot...
* I am way more tired than what I thought I was xD
* Coffee Bean List of must-tries: Hot Vanilla, Apple Rooibos Tea Latte, Vanilla Ceylon Tea Latte... and other things!
* The reading list is huuumongousfungus: Books for class on top of a million Nylon magazines on top of Lolita and McSweeny's... ahhhhh
* Project Runway is coming oooon :)

And, as my parting thoughts are running thinner and thinner in my mind, all I can think about is taking things less seriously. A constant goal to achieve- I need time to continue to grow. mmm, the beauties of being young and wild and free!

That solo's really long, But it's a pretty song

Summer Reflections//Bits and Blurbs of Life (Over the course of three days, Saturday-Tuesday 09.22.09)

A midday entry to say the least (and obvious!). As one may know, I am usually a nighttime blogger (I bet this will take precedence when school starts in the form of "hmm, I'll procrastinate a bit...") I also figured that with the coming days (including this one), I will be busy with unpacking things for my mom (moving into the new house... I'm so excited for her), spending the day/night in LA/Irvine Sunday, then coming back to pack my remaining trinkets and squeeze in those last-minute sightings and plans with my dear ones. (Monday note: Both moves went well for what they were! I'm so excited about how pretty the apartment is looking, but am extremely tired due to the lack of sleep. However, I'll sleep in tomorrow- tonight is about those last-minute excursions to see the faces of my lovelies)

Summer-wise, this has been three beautiful months... From working (oh my gosh, the chilluns this year <3) to the sleep-deprived wanderings of my mind, the many heart-fluttering moments to the anticipation of moving into my new apartment (!!!). Turning 21 (gosh, that birthday dinner <3), the late-night talks, the car rides, best friend time at Yogurtworld/tutti frutti, drinking the best taro milk tea of my life twice this week, finding a million fashion blogs (and soon starting my own with my twinny-twin-twin)... Oh gosh, life <3 There is definitely a part of me that wishes I could remain in San Diego this much longer, but at the same time I am so ready to return to Irvine for my e28besties and other lovely friends of my life, living in the new apartment (again, !!!), reading literature I would not necessarily love reading (... okay, maybe not. But who knows when one will find a new favorite!), exposure to poems (ahhh my heart!)... I feel everything slowly creeping on me- this year is heading in an amazing direction. (Tuesday note: Such an amazing direction... Ahh, Reunited and it feels so good <3)

AND NOW, BITS AND BLURBS!
1) May I re-emphasize the extraordinary taro milk tea I had from Tea Station? Best decision of my life.
2) Seeing 500 Days of Summer TWICE was also a great choice :) I am truly obsessed with Zooey (have been since Elf and seeing her in a classic ElleGirl spread), and Joseph Gordon-Levitt has my heart beat twice as quickly. Also saw Paper Heart (gah, glorious Michael Cera... too bad I fell asleep for a bit of it :P) and Ponyo (my ABC's life story in a sense <3)... and at this moment, why are there so many movies I want to see (Adam, New York, I Love You (Oct 16), Where the Wild Things Are (also Oct 16), Extract, The Informant, double-feature Toy Story, The September Issue)... Ahh <3
3) I want this necklace in my life: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=30005205
She also sells these gorgeous tulip earrings (tulips are my favorite flower)... EEE <3
4) Getting the writing flowing. I finished the rough-version of a poem today actually (ooooh goodness). The songwriting is coming back as well (listening to Regina Spektor, and her songs are just epic in terms of structure and writing and everything I adore)
5) More musical notes: Besides Regina, I have just received a ton of Voxtrot, Sondre Lerche, Silversun Pickups, AND THE SMITHS (obsessed obsessed obsessed- and yes, I was obsessed before 500 Days of Summer came out)
6) Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel are officially married. I bet this was the cutest wedding ever.
7) Another realization: I am in love with french music. As in, lyrics in French. Carla Bruni is just beautiful. I also have some other song in French and I have no idea who sings it, but it is old and amazing (I want to watch Amelie).
8) Music again: Sour Cherry by The Kills = truly in deep. Best song to drive to at the moment. Now I wish I could burn myself a road trip CD but I cannot (computer is actin' up! I'll do an experiment at some point this week with it).
9) Being in walking distance (like, a mile) of Coffee Bean, Jamba Juice, and Corner Bakery makes life seem pretty delicious :)
10) Still needing to go through a million magazines (all spread on a glass table), along with finishing Lolita? mmm yes :)
11) Asian Week at Souplantation is amazing. Truly, delicious.
12) Note to self: Look up favorite artists to see when new CDs will be released...

And with my sleepy eyes (finally! It seems like a decade since I even began this post), I leave you the following. Goodnight!

The Traveler
Was in your room, haunting,
Staring across your plastered windows
Filled with postcards of all those destinations
You desired, uttering romantic jibberish along the way.

Stretching your mouth to fill the void
That is your body, you took sound and sent
It swimming backwards from her fingertips, further
From the core you craved, an apple without the poison seeds.

She felt the trees shake in their
4x4 frames the moment silent hands
Crumbled about her- Real, alive, breathing
Her mouth echoing you, the room holding her still.

Sound only collapsed when the weight from the framed walls
Fell underneath her, revealing the trodden trail
Of left patterned feet, molds within the dirt
A reflection of when one leaves
An open door.

There's a little bit in the books I read, A little bit in the films I see... A little bit of you in everything

Ahh, welcome back late-night blog-musings <3

I cannot believe that summer officially ends in... a bit more than a week. 11 days if I calculated that exactly. This has honestly been one of the most beautiful and, dare I say it, eventful summers I can remember. Let's be honest- I'm waiting on that summer sun to officially set before I reflect on the past... 3 months (a-what? Seriously?).

There is so much to look forward to in Fall- the rustling of the leaves, cardigan weather, the fireworks of color within nature itself... And yet, I wonder if you will be there. Spring blossomed and shined over late-night coffee car talks, the echo of sentiments via typing/texting/conversation, radio karaoke car rides... Promises made, and hopes of vows to be kept. But then summer came (and has almost left), and you disappeared. Life became busy, and I am one to understand. Yet here I wait, anticipating fall... Will you be there to greet us? There are so many things I want to hear about, and yet I wonder if you even want to listen to the salty sea collide with the grains of sand that have built up since our time apart. I guess all I can hope for is that you will float with the new season, falling back to old times and trying to rekindle a friendship that I still believe will last for years to come.

I'm ready for the season to sweep me off my feet... But for now, let's bask in that sweet summer sun :)

I never thought I would come of age, let alone on a moldy page :)

This morning, I woke up for the millionth time at 7:20. In true procrastinator fashion (a fashion that needs to go out of style... partly because I'm too busy for summer. Summer = lazy Mondays every day), I rolled out of bed to tackle something that has been egging me on for the past... oh, three months: renewing my driver's license.

I stood in line, mentally preparing myself for any repercussions and the excuse to follow. Oh, I was out of town for three weeks. Oh no, I have to take the test again? It'll be okay.... I look up from my book, noticing the difference between myself and the door, my own position in line compared to everyone who decided to sleep that extra five minutes and show up behind me. In front of me was a girl who renewed her license through the mail but has received nothing of significance to ease her mind of the fact that her license was to expire next Monday. Behind me, a man who was in to renew his own license. And there I stood in between, the same reason with the marker of procrastination to bar me from even connecting to the pillars of responsibility.

The line breezed by instantly, my question of changing my address answered, the paperwork filled out, the nerves of possibly being reprimanded buzzing through my veins. My number was called, mediocre questions and small talk ensued, and bing! Done. Except for one small request... Stand over at the camera to take your photo... A-what? I thought the photos only ensued once the picture was too young-looking to be considered even passable! Coming from the mentality of everyone at work looking years older (whereas I, short stature and older age, continue in my rut of looking years younger... a gift I'm sure I will appreciate many years down the line), I decided to accept my fate that a new picture was unavoidable, and simply clad in mascara, I smiled as the click(clickclick) of the camera rang in my ears. I walked off, called my sister and relayed the episode, her laughter easing my confidence.

Then it hit me, as being 21 has given the driver's license a new form of life outside of my wallet... that no one truly looks at the picture. The number at the top is used for identification and registration for all bills of multiple sizes. The address becomes a reminder of a home-base through the constant travels between youth and adulthood (or a change of address, in this case, becomes a reminder of where life has now been placed). The birth-date- a confirmation of one's age (the gateway to legal tasks linking with age when looks become deceiving), the expiration used as a marker for a date when the DMV has missed you and desires to learn where life has taken you. And the name, the placard of identity, used to compare cards and documents and create the link between that big picture that takes up a good third of the card to the importance of what becomes a verbal/visual identity. Ultimately, the picture is a mere glance as the printed words take precedence over every function imaginable (and besides, it rests in one's wallet a majority of the time!)...

And besides, staring at the real, breathing image is ten-times better than any picture imaginable.

Ready to go at the first glimpse of failsafe....

Now, say it with me: Sleep, sleep, sleepsleepsleep!

Honestly, that's the constant in the equation of my blogging. Blog = sleep(reflections on life/deep thoughts of the day)... If I could make a proof of this, I so would. In fact, the proof is this: My "blog-worthy" ideas are mainly created between the worlds of sleep and wake. I seem to be proud of what I type as my eyelids begin to act as a curtain to the screen, when my body decides to create the horizontal pattern of familiar and comforting sleep, when my active mind begins to cease communicating with my beating heart (honestly, this never stops)... Hence, the blogging will never stop :).

Days have been wonderful- Los Campesinos! turned out to be an absolutely amazing day/experience, visiting with friends throughout the week was truly refreshing (and planning some more hang-outs throughout the rest of the summer), and I returned home some 40-minutes ago only to be greeted by this spurt of energy.

Camp was extremely bittersweet to end (however, I have three baby-sitting offers... Yesssss <3). This was probably the most enjoyable summer I've had in quite some time... Work could have been hell; I could have decided to let the negative aspects of some of the counselors affect me, but I wanted to focus on the kids. My goal was to become the counselor that the kids will remember, the person that could bring a smile about yet instill the tougher life lessons into their sweet minds (such as sharing is caring, it can be fun, use your manners, be kind)... The chilluns made my life complete :).

It's strange to think about all the free time I have now... I can lay around in the park, finally read my books/magazines, gradually move into my apartment, SLEEP, babysit... Man oh man. How about writing as well (I need to get a few kinks out of some poems). I feel as if it is time to accept one of these activities (and I bet everyone can guess which one I've decided on).

My love, I am the speed of sound...

Here I sit, still unable to sleep... Call it what you will. I'm feeling the rush of good conversation, the excitement for today's/tonight's festivities (LOS CAMPESINOS! IS FINALLY HAPPENING! Plus, visiting with Deanna <3!), songs running through my head, planning the next few days...

I have always felt that little actions can say so much more than larger ones- how remembering the most minute detail stakes a claim to listening, to thoughtfulness, to desiring to make one smile when acted out. Within these past few days (and one of those days not being the best mind you), certain friends surprised me with their visiting SD, bringing pineapple juice (pineapples are my favorite fruit EVER), simply calling to say hello and share a story, or sitting beside a computer to chat for a while. One of my campers surprised me today with a very cute tote bag and little note... and it was the absolute sweetest thing that has happened in quite some time.

What does this all lead to? I want to take more notice in the minute. The smaller gestures truly display one's personality, whereas the larger actions act as generalizations, a basis of foundation for the smaller to grow and thrive, to bloom within the midst of good deeds or wilt into the abyss of nightmares past. Perhaps I'll try and make it a goal to encompass the element of surprise into my repertoire... to create a focus of smaller steps towards a bigger picture of overall joy. If I can bring a smile to one person a day, I have done my job :).

I believe sleep has finally decided to shine itself towards me to enter into the nighttime sky of dreamworld. Goooodbye!

Do the dance like on a mission, it's wild I tell you it's my transition!

Life-Goals much?

Considering post-camp (AKA Dino Rocks for me) is over in two days, and post-post camp ends on the 28th (I may cry a little, not gonna lie), I randomly began to think about the other things I have to do... or, moreso, what I wanted to do. Yes, I've done the list of "Things I Want to Do Before I Go Back to the 'Vine," but I have yet to indulge in a life-list, a list of tasks and desires that I want to eventually occur. SO, let's do it. Especially since I'm waiting on sugar cookies from Trader Joes to be made (and my oh my, they smell delightful!)

* Eat at one of Rick Bayless' restaurants (He won Top Chef Masters! This makes me happy. I want to be best friends with him)
* Publishing Round Two :) Moreso, get in a book. Aspire to get my own publishing deal for my poems (... oooooh yikes, that makes me shake in the knees!)
* Own an article of Marc Jacobs attire :) (Marc by Marc Jacobs probably... Hey, I can be materialistic)
* Read more classic literature (I'm reading Lolita right now <3) (This includes getting into Vonnegut and Carver more)
* GUITAR. Yessss.
* Continue playing my flute (I need to find all my music teehee)
* Learn how to walk comfortably in heels (... weow, girl moment much?)
* Sing in a jazz club (... this is where life gets really dreamy)
* See the following in concert: Stars, The Pains of Being Pure at Heart, Ra Ra Riot, Broken Social Scene, Bat for Lashes
* Go to: Spain, Paris, The U.K.
* I guess that whole getting-married-having-kids dealio can be part of this list too :P (But for now, let's keep that in the far-off future!).

... This list could go on forever, but sleep is beckoning me :)

We wonder, oh, we're wondering, Unalike to say we're lost, Try my best with needing us

Today, I got my first kiss. I'm 56

Obviously, not me. Definitely not 56... But, if you think about this "FML" moment, there's honestly such a beauty in it. One can imagine the journey towards what is considered a monumental moment in terms of one's youth... If this person could realize it, they are experiencing a moment of youth, the vivacity of teenage excitement coursing through their lips. Perhaps I am completely spinning this in a far-off direction, but in a world where one wishes to grow-up so much faster than live within the meddling world of teenage desire and angst and bliss, perhaps this is a valid perspective.

There is such a mix-up of growing up vs. staying young. Within each, one opts towards desiring the other... When life becomes too complex, one fantasizes over the days where the biggest conflict was which swing to play on. Or, towards the future, where a problem will be a simple dip within the span of life. I know teenage angst will leave the bloodstream eventually, but the bliss of youthfulness should remain constant.

Let's just say I'm trying to find the balance between the world of the grown-ups and the world of childhood. Here's to the balancing act to come!

You're an actor out of work, I think I love you, I think I'm mad

Oh my, some time has certainly passed!

I planned on doing some big, heart-felt blog on the last moments of being 20, how excited I was to turn 21... But the days continued to creep up on me until BAM! They arrived and left just as swiftly.

Well, hello world: meet the 21-year-old Carly!
It was absolutely lovely. The bonfire turned out to be a fun time of quick reunions, many hugs, and relaxation (with no burns! MWAHAHA). My birthday dinner was absolutely amazing- 6 of my best friends + my sister = the most beautiful and enjoyable meal of my life, pretty much. It was so delicious! The view, the pictures that resulted, playing Apples to Apples... ahhh, such a wonderful time :) And last but not least, my grandma and I went on a shopping excursion, and I got some of the most beautiful clothes in the history of clothing. If this doesn't inspire me to actually start Moxy Lovechild, I don't know what will :P

Camp is almost over, meaning big camp-time is over this week! I am, however, working two extra weeks, which will be nice in terms of collecting some moolah before I leave for school...
Ahh, school. I'm so excited to go back to Irvine... But I can still last out in SD for some time. This summer has been absolutely beautiful- so eventful, so joyous for the most part... Yes yes.

If anything, I feel the need to start cramming whatever summer activities I have not done into the next month or so... Is a list in order? It's quite possible. And by quite possible, I mean it's happening.
* Acquire my entire music list (ooooh I think this will happen!)
* Learn guitar (pleaseeeeee)
* Record a song or two :)
* Los Campesinos! concert :D
* Visit Irvine at least one more time before school starts
* Movie nights with ACE (dress up/Del Mar movie theatre with the Pannikan)
* Possibly try some surf and turf fries... man oh man, do those sound delicious!
- Side Note: Elif and I are totally talking about food right now. We want the above and ramen noodles and cheesecake delivered to our houses (we both have weird colds/throat issues).
* SAVE MONEY (... hahahaha)


I think that is enough. The blog is feeling slightly dry, but I'm hoping it was entertaining nevertheless!

Hey Snow White, It's Gonna Be Alright...

Calming down to tons of music... Actually, just found the one song that finally made me calm (Hey Snow White by The New Pornographers). Of course, I should have gone to this band in the first place. They go well with the fake fish tank my dad has activated in the computer room.

As every post states, yes: I should be sleeping. New day at camp tomorrow... All new campers, all new group. Oh gosh, shivers and shakes. I really hope tomorrow goes well.

And now, with the heart quivers finally ceasing, I can focus on something I've been meaning to create...

If you know me well enough to... well, know me, music is an absolute obsession of mine. If it were a chakra, it'd basically be my heart. People bond over it, create it, listen to it... Maybe not with as much intensity or passion as I have, but STILL! And with that, I give you my Top Five Favorite Bands (in no particular order, mind you)...

1) Los Campesinos!: 7 Welsh siblings of delight and joy. They have been described as having a "blog"-writing style, meaning pretty hip and sounding... well, blog-worthy. Their CDs, Hold On Now, Yongster... and We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed (although they say this is not a true second album- they are working on the new one at the moment) received outstanding ratings. I am constantly re-obsessing with these albums every few weeks, and I never cease to find an occasion where a Los Campesinos! song does not comply. They have inspired me from my poetry to songwriting to exercising to dancing to power points in class... Think pop, think witty, think absolutely beautiful. This is the one band I am most excited about seeing in '09 (which was my goal), and it's happening August 22nd :)

2) The New Pornographers: Another group of... 7-8 members that I have been fortunate to witness in concert every year for the past three years! I was introduced to them by the song "Sing Me Spanish Techno" in... oh gosh, 10th grade? I have every CD (Mass Romantic, Electric Version, Twin Cinemas, Challengers), and their quality in concert is just superb... Three of the members have solo projects which are just as impressive (Neko Case, A.C. Newman who goes by Carl in the band, and Destroyer aka Dan Benjar). It is finely constructed indie pop genius at work, and I wouldn't have it any other way (except I wish Dan would tour more often with them...). Out of all my favorite bands, this group is always consistant in my life.

3) Stars: A band that (and I hate to admit it) I overlook sometimes, but are absolutely amazing. I can go through their entire collection in one sitting quite easily and feel as if I've just traveled a lifetime. Reccomendations: "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" (a gorgeous music video), "Take Me to the Riot" (ahhh, a definite go-to song), "Midnight Coward"... I could go on, it's that ridiculous. I need to see this band- they were in town about three years ago, and I couldn't see them due to not being old enough :( There is so much electronic hips and hops and happenings, but it all feels so... genuine and unpretentious. I can't even decide a go-to album for this band! Oh gosh, and just talking about them makes my obsession with them begin all over again (and this is definitely not a bad thing!) <3

4) Rilo Kiley: This band has probably influenced me the most musically. I aspire towards the perfection that is known as the album More Adventurous (aka the album that got me into the world known as "indie music," as pretentious as that sounds). I can go on and on about any of their songs, and I honestly discover one new element of a song through each listen. "Portions for Foxes" has been a huge favorite of mine, "Love and War 11/11/46" was a self-declared theme song for myself during high school, "Don't Deconstruct" has a trumpet part that is to-die for, "Silver Lining" is lyrically beautiful... Seriously, each album has so many songs that I truly adore (not-as-strong for Under the Blacklight, but still...). Jenny Lewis has grown stronger vocally through each album, which is a lovely progression to observe. Blake Sennett and Pierre de Reeder (guitarist and bassist) both have lovely solo efforts out, but Jenny Lewis is absolutely remarkable (Acid Tongue = a song to die for). Basic point: This band is the basic make-up of my being, pretty much

5) Tegan & Sara: Now, this is where I almost have an argument with myself as to whether or not they are truly Top Five Worthy. I have seen them twice in concert (both times absolutely spectarcular. They are the cutest girls- so funny and always talkative). When I listen to their albums, I get so connected to their songs... Oh yes, they are that good. I sing harmonies to their songs on So Jealous every time I listen to it. Songs to try are "I Know I Know I Know"and "The Con"... oh gosh, I really could name off whole albums even. They seem so thoughtful in their lyrics, and know their oddities... gah, beautiful.

OTHER BANDS: If I could name a million more, I would. Fleet Foxes, Frightened Rabbit, Broken Social Scene, Hey Ocean!, The Hush Sound, Get Back Loretta, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs (especially them), Zwan, Death Cab for Cutie... Ahhh, so much music. But the thing about the Top 5 are that they are in constant rotation (or, at least, in some sort of rotation), and have influenced me with their beautiful albums. AND HEY- I finally did this list :) Soon I'll have my Top 5 Favorite Songs (oh GOSH, this could take a while)... Until then, goodnight!

Two old planks of knotty pine, A couple of nails that poke right through

There are moments in life that simply makes one's heart swell, and those are the moments I live for the most.

My heart swell of the day: I helped backstage for my sister's show for camp, and afterwords I went upstairs to help undo microphones and chit-chat with the sound guy... I get a call from my sister, saying, "Someone wants to see you!" I run downstairs and BAM: One of the sweetest children in my group runs to me, his mom following close behind. She looks at me and says, "You know, he was excited to see his sister in the show... But all he could talk about was how excited he was to see you!" I pretty much melted into putty. It's moments like this that make me look at my job and say Hey, I may be that one counselor. The one that is able to make a kid smile. The one that kids tell their parents about (and remember their name). The one that, years down the line, they will remember... That's a longshot, but it's better to dream big than not dream at all.

So when I doubt my character, when I doubt who I am... it's the moments that make my heart swell with love that will bring me back into focus.

Story of my life: The Dark Was the Night Album is absolutely amazing. The music snob in me is quite pleased :).
Oh, and hi butterflies. Let's play? Except these ones are a bit dangerous... perhaps you're a mix of bees and butterflies, stinging and floating to and fro. But you're just out of your cocoons... So nothing too stinging, and definitely still on earth.
Oh, we will see... But until then, it's time to get some sleep!

Tell me now whatcha lookin' for, the answer's right there at your door...

Bits and blurbs...

* Bedouin Soundclash sound pretty tempting (adding to the music desires)

* 3 weeks until I am 21 years of age. Woo!

* Camp is still wiping me out... but I love those kids. And oh yeah, pump it up tomorrow!

* At my mom's where good wifi is allowing me to videochat and not have to spend two hours in coffeebean to get 3 songs (exaggeration: It really took 30 minutes for one song. Here, it took 10 to get the rest of the CD -_-).

* Now, I want coffeebean... YESSSS.

* Just decided to give in and buy myself the other Hey Ocean! CD (Stop Looking Like Music). Ahhh, so so so good <3.

* Definitely thought I would be back at my dad's by midnight... oops.

* I forgot how FB chat is not fun on my laptop.

* Moxy Lovechild.... posts in progress :)

* Reason to love summer #1: Fruit tastes ten times better. Pineapple, cherries, strawberries... oh my goodness!

* Reason to love summer #2: Music is absolutely constant! Jam sessions, getting children songs stuck in the membrane of my being, playing it on Tuesdays... ahhhh.

* Maybe I should have waited to buy the CD... NAH. Ipod connection will just have to happen in the morning :)

* ... Will I be able to get up in the morning? (Obviously, yes. Early enough to sync the ipod... that's a different story!)

* I really need to get my eyes checked... New contacts, please?

* I want to see 500 Days of Summer. And Away We Go. And Whatever Works (even if it sucks?)

* Old, "I-want-to-rent" Movies I Need to See: Lost in Translation, The Royal Tennenbaums (did I really butcher this? Sorry!), Running with Scissors, Rocket Science...

* True Blood = TV Happiness (also Hung. also FOOD NETWORK. also Top Chef Masters and The Fashion Show on Bravo)

* Must remember: Project Runway...

*American Idol Tour on Saturday :D

* Oh, and most important reason to love summer #3: I get to see my best friends at least weekly <3

AND THE MUSIC IS DOWNLOADED! Now it is time to drive home first, then sleep :)

We are anti-movement, we are anti-anti...

I am completely EXHAUSTED. Camp is just wearing me down bit by bit... and I could easily write a five-page essay on all the terrible, no good, very bad day stuff that has been going on... But the kids and the laughter from other counselors makes up for it. Plus, seeing my friends outside of camp is certainly helping me survive (oh, and the late-night AIM/FB talks of course!).

Death Cab for Cutie was utterly unbelievable. I could not have asked for a better group of friends to go with and endure a 4-hour car ride. The opening acts are two of my favorite bands... pretty much ever (The New Pornographers are a constant, Tegan & Sara are just as close to constant as ever), and I've seen them live before so I knew what to expect (excellence, dear friends, pure excellence). Then they came out... and it was amazing. First half just them, second with the LA Philharmonic... and I died. Literally could have fallen to the floor and died in musical bliss. I'm tellin' ya, "Transatlanticism" may be one of my favorite songs of all time (I cried a little. It didn't help that the fireworks that went off at the end made me squeal like a little girl)... It was absolutely gorgeous with the orchestra. That moment will probably make it into my Top 5 Band Performances ever... and in just under a week and a half, I get to watch the American Idol Tour :P

It's been almost a month of summer vacation, which is absolutely lovely. I need more time to read, more time to clean, more time to practice... Oh goodness, what am I saying?! Relax! The time I have is sufficient enough, and honestly, my friends are the ones making everything so amazing.

These are my bedtime thoughts, and even if they were a bit boring, at least they are there!

Lookin' up at the biggest dipper through your skylight <3

A lot of thoughts have been flowing in and out of my mind this week. Linking to the heart, of course, and always being sucked deeper and deeper into a dreamworld. Love, with it's broad contours that seem to flow effortlessly and are still so entrapping... Creating walls and yet building bridges between the heart and mind, balancing what is rational and what is too romantic for words to convey. It batters, it bruises, and yet each slight pain and ache is what some search for their whole lives... That hope that when one ascertains it in its purest form, that sense of complete and utter bliss will wash away all the negative experiences. Perhaps this is where my pessimism persists- this one broad field of vision. At the same time, it may be the one thing I am most optimistic about, because I know that it will be beautiful, it will be disastrous, but I would not have it any other way.

Noting that this blog has been written and rewritten, constantly forming and collapsing for the past (insert # here) days puts my mind in a cool, contemplative daze. As I continue to look at each tiny letter that appears on this screen, I am slowly edging myself deeper and deeper into this particular pool of thought: As long as love is constant, all will be well. It flows through the body just as consistently as blood. It is taken in and breathed out just as easily as air. It is the path underneath one's shoes, the substance of the soul, the skin upon one's very lips...

Every moment is worth it. Just keep in check.
(and how does one?)

Heart-to-hearts with my besties. Reading. Running into the night. Jam sessions (covers and originals). Desiring even more music (Sondre Leche, and going to see an orchestral Death Cab for Cutie with Tegan and Sara and The New Pornographers). Driving adventures. Writing.
Oh, methodology.

Again, every moment is worth it. Keep breathing, you are alive!

Lie to me if you will at the top of Beringer Hill...

Call me anything you want, any old lie will do
Call me back to... back to you

With sleep beckoning me to bed, I'll try to keep this as short and sweet as possible...

Oh summer, you and your delicate rays basking on young souls. Allowing them to burst before you like bubbles against fingertips. Allowing them to fall as leaves during the coldest autumn day...

I've fallen to optimism one too many times. Granted, I would not have it any other way: This is me, plain and simple. Extraordinary and complex. Rush into me like the ocean tide, yet let me rise like the waning moon... I need to feel as if I am flying, yet continue to be grounded... Oh hi, my constant wanderings into Mind-Body Dualism.

This summer has begun beautifully, and yet reality has already bonked me on the head with a hammer several times... But it's because of friends, because of those who do love me, that I am able to look past all of... it. I still have faith- I still want to rise and fall, blossom and burst... all because it makes me feel alive.

And with that, I say goodnight <3

Here's to the one, The one with the bright eyes, who made me realize, I've got a long-long way to go to California

It is time (drumroll included) for the ever-so-common, ever-so-gracefully written "End of the Year" Blogpost! The inspiration for this post originally came to me while I packed my room away in Irvine, a bit before my dad helped me move out and a few minutes before my lovely Deanna came to help me out/go on a food adventure with me! So, without further ado, the post below... (Oh yes, this is re-written joy as of 6/16)

I will not break it down step-by-step, bigger tests (finals) after smaller tests, romantic memory versus realistic experience. I entered Irvine, once again, with such enthusiasm that my heart could swell! Academically, I did just about the same as last year (possibly even better), and enjoyed a majority of my classes (particularly the E28-series, which I'll get into later...). Teachers were amazing- pretty much every teacher made me truly feel academically challenged... But even academics cannot trace why this year was so... good. In the beginning of the year, I found myself begging for excuses to escape from the city of Irvine... and now, I find myself longing for reasons to come back. Do not get me wrong- I love my life in SD, but Irvine is starting to truly feel like the home away from home I envisioned college to be (despite the ever-so-expensive habits of eating and drinking overpriced boba...).

Honestly, I grew up a lot this year. The moments of doubt and sadness are not truly worthy of being mentioned, but are acknowledged due to making me look at myself, my situations, and figuring out the best alternative towards finding the happiness I have strived towards... If anything, I finally found the strength to let go of something I envisioned as so dear to myself. Like I said, that beautiful end has finally arrived, and hopefully it will be the beginning of something entirely different.

I have to pull a corny moment out of my hat... E28Besties: You all are a-freakin'-mazing. I still cannot believe how I could enter a class, and thanks to the hilarity/sickliness of our lovely professor, come out with 5 (now 6 since spring quarter) of my closest friends. There was not a day where I didn't smile because of you. I truly love you all, and words cannot put into justice how much you all mean to me.

I came out of the year with an ever-so-overflowing cup of joy as finals week ended... And (not gonna lie) a giddy heart (butterflies and all? yeah? yeah... Oh gosh, we'll see where this goes!). I'm looking forward to fall that much more <3.

Tonight, I'm gonna fill your guitar with pigeons, So next time, You're left with just the rhythms

I should be working on my essay... Why do I always start off my blogs saying "Hey you, I'm procrastinating once again so right now is the perfect time to blog!" Well, I figured I'm pulling an all-nighter for this baby anyways, so might as well make it tonight. I can nap in the car (for reasons I'll explain below...) (EDIT: Decided to sleep after posting this. Waking up early to work on it at starbucks, with caffeine in hand!)

So, this finals week is a bit hectic for me this year. First off, the joyous occasion of my little sister graduating high school. My older sister and I have to miss the dinner portion because I have a final from 1:30-3:30, then we have to dash to SD and get there by 5ish (so we can find parking for the ceremony at 6), probably do a little something after (8ish?), then come back up to the 'vine that night for my final from 8-10 am friday morning! Busy two days, right? Well, today (yes, today), I'm going to a funeral for my great-uncle. It's a sad occasion, honestly... Although I was not insanely close to him, he was still a very large part of the family impact on my mother's side (as in, he's been there through the years). There's certainly a balance between joy and sadness this week- funeral/graduation, finals/killing them (hopefully), procrastination/wonderful friends (oh yes, there is a difference).

It's not time for an "end of the year" blog to occur, but I have to say that I am truly excited to go back to SD.... I just wish I could bring all the wonderful things from Irvine back with me. There are so many adventures that are going to be happening in SD this year (let's break it down)

1) Working camp with my family and friends (YAY!!! So excited <3)

2) Playing in summer band (sans braces!)

3) Del Mar Fair

4) The possibility of some of my Irvine friends visiting me (oooh my goodness PLEASE)

5) Recording music with Daniel (oh GOSH. Black and Gold and In My Life are in the works <3)

6) Hillcrest adventures

7) Orchestral Death Cab for Cutie concert in July (with Heather, Ashley, and Gabrielle)

8) American Idol Tour with my papa in July (Adam Lambert, hometown hero!)

9) Los Campesinos! in Pomona in August :) (with Elif and Aileen, my two best friends and my favorite band at the moment)

10) Turning the big 2-1 in August (no idea how exactly to celebrate, considering I'm the oldie out of my friends... Nevertheless, it will be wonderful!)

11) READING!!! (Re-reading Catcher in the Rye, McSweeny short stories, Dubliners by James Joyce, Nylon Magazines... ahhhh <3)

12) Acquiring my muuuusic (as in the list and multiple blurbs below... and blurb isn't even being spellchecked? suh-wheat!)

13) Various hangout days: beach, exercise, dinner dates (including those ever-so-special dressing up for the simple reason of feeling like it with the girls), movie-watching, shopping, PANIKAN TEA HOUSE, Coffee Bean...

14) Oh yeah, and True Blood is kinda going to be on TV again. Basically the best part of summer television!

15) The late-night chats with my loves from Irvine... oh yes <3

16) More poetry writing (gotta get published: round two!)

17) Guitar skills need to be acquired. Thanks!

In truth, I seriously want to bring all that is wonderful about Irvine to SD with me. But that is going to be saved for the always-entertaining End of the School Year Blog of Life...

I'm going to sleep. I am babbling on like a brook :).

(This is Where The Song Gets Sexy) If Bananas Had Lips, They Would Kiss and Not Miss...

Toni Morrison, as a writer, creates a dichotomy between good and evil through her characters... a more-than-necessary dichtomy, in fact, that exists only to allow one and the other to function. Take Sula for example- the argument is made that Sula represents all that is evil and wrong within the world, and the community she lives in tries to shun her (aka use her as a scapegoat). With her death, however, the community no longer functions, and they acknowledge that her existence was necessary to allow them to operate as a unit; without her, they fall apart.

... Does this exist in real life?

Absolutely. Perhaps this is why I continue to hold on, because your presence reminds me of the million ounces of goodness I feel exist within myself. Perhaps you are the yin to my yang, the knot around the anchor leveling me constantly in reality (or some obscure form of it). Does this mean that your image must be with mine? Oh no- I prefer for us to stand apart and still, breathing echoes of rememory across city borders. Maybe you are necessary in my life in order to provide this split, to provide the underlying current to allow me to function and carry on, knowing that one day I'll be able to wake up and fully realize how far I've come.

For now, I feel that this has happened- I'm out.

Give Your Life to Literature but DON'T READ JANE EYRE

Should be working on my presentations... And believe me, I am! For example, title = from Los Campesinos!'s "Don't Tell Me to Do the Math(s)" for how Jane Eyre has influenced pop culture. Just with some itunes lovin' goin' on, along with a little bit of sleepy time drooping my eyelids down to the ground.

There are so many wonderful and exciting things going on... Despite the lack of sleep, my insane two days of presentations (spanish- easy. Tomorrow is the kicker), a few "rememories," everything is going so insanely smoothly. 

First off, I can now say I am a published poet! One of my goals in life was to be published before I turned 21... and for it to actually be occurring is ridiculous. Tonight I am reading at my school for The UCI New Forum (the undergrad creative writing... pamphlet? paper?), and I am hoping it is well received. Honestly, a little shocked that they chose this poem (considering I labored over a few others much more than this one-time write out...). This is really monumental for me- I'm not a genius writer. At. All. I was told that sure, I write pretty things... but implied that they were nothing more than that. I wanted to prove this wrong- I wanted to maintain having a voice, creating twists and turns that will make the reader at least say, "Wow. I really like it"... To make someone say "Wow, I love this". Although this will not happen soon, I feel that I am gaining a solidified voice, and if I put myself out there, there are many others who will enjoy my work. All I know is that it can only get better!

PS- More musical longings anyone?

* Mandy Moore - Amanda Leigh (... shut up, her voice is GOOD).

* Various Artists- Thank You for the Music (AHHHH Another gorgeous set of songs!)

* The Do- A Mouthful (such a good band!)

Finalmente, mi poema por la noche.

Driftwood

You move with such a hollow frame

As if the bark rots in waves

Of old age, as if

Uprooting yourself causes you

More death than life.

 

We were once filled to

The brim with rotten marrow

In our creaseless bones-

We sucked ourselves dry,

Yet I must do this with my hands.

 

I will rise with this worn face

It will age, it will
Catch up to your hollow frame

And together, we’ll join the dirt.

Hello, Sun is Shining in the Afternoon...

Way too late for me to be staying up, BUUUUT HEY! I'm on a somewhat caffeine high mixed with the emotions of being done with an essay (it's a LOT... we'll see how this one goes!), planning my classes for next quarter, and reflecting on many wonderful memories. 

Also, I'm looking at fashion blogs, which never helps me sleep (but does, however, keep me inspired as to what to wear next!)

Desirings:

1) Chunky chain for my Victorian charm (my thin chains broke ]:)

2) Chains/other devices for my 3 new charms (silver locket which outdoes my snake one, peridot crystal thingy, vintage-y red flower on a square).

3) To be done with Jane Eyre. It's so much- 450 more pages to go? Little more? That's going to be my life tomorrow... along with Centro.

4) More hours in the day! Seriously, what's up with you time? Why are you going faster? Stop being like the tortoise and creeping up on me to win the race :(

5) Summer? I like that. A LOT. It means camp = money (and children of squish and joy) = me being able to buy things and not feel guilty (but I'm saving a lot!)

6) Oxford Shirt (woohoooo). Yes please. 

7) Oh, and paperbag shorts/pants!

8) OH, and shoessssss!

9) Moxy Lovechild needs to begin, and it WILL!

10) SLEEP. Oh my goodness, sleep!

11) Music department: More Iron and Wine, St. Vincent, an the rest of the title below. Still. :) PS- plus some Destroyer please!

12) Officially, sleep time!!!

And it's contagious, and it's conta-gious

So it's kinda 3:15 am. I definitely have to get up at 6:30 am, go get my retainers at 7:45, make a train by 8:44, get picked up, class 11-320, then yoga at 7:30-8:50. WEOW world, and thanks procrastination from keeping me up this late to begin with -_-. I mean, yeah, brought it upon myself, but STILL! Maybe I'll say never again, but it will happen again... Thank god the rest of my papers are all occurring week 9/10/finals. I promise to work on you, dear papers, and give you the love and respect of my lil' English Major-y self.

In other news, welcome to the world of my musical longings, as listed below:
* Bat for Lashes- Two Suns
* Vedera- Stages EP
* Death Cab for Cutie- The Open Door EP
* Bon Iver- Blood Bank EP
* The Pains of Being Pure at Heart- Self Titled
* Cotton Jones- Paranoid Cocoon
* Dark Was the Night CD
* The Raconteurs- Consolers of the Lonely
* Albert Hammond Jr- Como Te Llamas
* be your own PET- Get Awkward
* Grizzly Bear- all of it (still need it!)
* Regina Spektor (been listening to her for the past 2 hours on youtube... It's a little ridiculous)
* White Rabbits
* Charlotte Martin (whatever CDs I do not own)

I have been in the deepest realms of music lately. I have been wanting to sing more and more, and I cannot wait until summer. Summer, when I can play my flute and rebuild my tone to the fullest (and quite possibly start lessons again?). Summer, when I can sing at the top of my lungs wherever I go. Summer, when I might possibly perform at open mic nights and shatter my nerves into oblivion (gosh, I wish!).

IT'S FINALLY SLEEP TIME!!!

Live like it's the style, We waltz on your front porch

Late night posting (or early morning, what have you)!

Well well well, life has indeed been wonderful. I'm finally back to truly believing in all things optimistic, with that scrap of reality always reeling me back into my place. What I cannot believe is that there are pretty much five more weeks of school. Five. As in, this week is definitely insane (midterm on Tuesday, midterm essays due Friday, a paper to work on, Spanish quiz, text, and homework due by friday)... but after this, it's all smooth sailing again. Where has the time flown off to, right? What bird decided it was a good idea to pick us off the ground and have us soar through time and space to this point, to the realization of "Seriously, it's week six of spring quarter. Time flies when you're having fun, yeah?" moment... SERIOUSLY. 

Other good things going on: Just bought tickets for an orchestral Death Cab for Cutie concert (with my other favs, Tegan & Sara and The New Pornographers). Flirting with a boy (yiiiikes! Nerves all around). Getting the braces off in 8 DAYS (I won't look like a fifteen year old child!). Looking forward to many more concerts besides the one mentioned above. Now, if only I could get a steady income (I cannot wait for camp...). Except knowing me, I'll spend it all on music and new clothes... It's allowed, and most deserved mind you!

Honestly, life is amazing right now. Let's just breathe in that sunshine and live in every moment, shall we?

I need to sleep. It's a little ridiculous how much of a night-owl I am nowadays. And by ridiculous, it does not mean I regret it at all (with the exception of the days I wake up early...). It doesn't help my raccoon eyes much :P.

So with these thoughts, I'm soaring off into dreamland.