The way that you say things that make them sound so right

Today, I went on a quest for answers.

The receipt shook in my hand like a leaf as I listened to a friend. We switched places, and I began to wonder. I let the cosmos unfurl through cards. Small confirmations were spilled onto a table, and I let them sink in.

She mentioned angels dropping little notes to me- my small inspirations. How there is support all around me. How it was true- we were meant to meet, and it was beautiful. How a girl walked away from an outreached hand. The sense of longing still present. The confirmation in school.

I needed a solid foundation-- one I already believed in. It materialized within the span of fifteen minutes and hours of driving.

Just remain clear, remain sharp. It will work out.

[Cross Oceans-First Aid Kit]

Dear heart, don't stop fighting

Believe me, I'm making lists of my dues, what I owe everyone.

It's hard to let people peek into even a bit of my life anymore... Which is oxymoronic of me to say. I'm practically an open book, willing to talk to most things that move. But since the day I realized things weren't the same, I felt myself shut down and off. I have thrown myself into work since the summer, the drives back and forth from home to home to keep my job and try to earn something. Fall quarter I called friends and family in tears-- I lacked sleep. I ate maybe once a day. Avoided food in order to keep a dollar in my pocket. Paid for an apartment on my own. Avoided said apartment because it was cold, too quiet, drafty with old memories. Still dealing with financial family issues (hopefully to be resolved soon). All while trying to keep relationships afloat, a social life, my grades up, applications turned in.

Let's just keep it at this: Last week, from Monday on, was not good. A lot of issues broke out like a fever. I broke from pressures to reply.

Just understand I'm trying my best. I know it may not be good enough for you, but I've stretched myself thin.

[Riot Rhythm- Sleigh Bells]

I've come to realize life is not about love with someone

As we drove back from lunch, I realized that I missed calling him "mine", but wanted to continue not being called "his".

I asked for time, as I always do. To figure things out, to let everything filter and sort itself out. I packed up bits of my life in make-shift mason jars- enough to see through but keep packed in. I told him once that I kept everything, read every day and thought. But it became too much.

It's for the better. It's not the love that dies out, but the strain of "time" and placement in life right now. Like a puzzle, we had to punch the piece in. Now, I'm working for effortless.

[I Want to Be Well- Sufjan Stevens]

Lay your eggs where it's warm

So far in 2011, I have

completed my 6th (and possibly final) application for grad school (note: 7th is pending on how I feel in the morning/if I can really handle writing more personal statements and essays/debating my financial circumstances... always.)

worked at Red Hen Press for a month, and am loving it (besides the gas mileage... weow)!

saw my sister off to the Big Apple, and am hopefully visiting her in March (fingers crossed! Again, depends on finances. but papa may help I hope).

rid myself of (most of) the sugary stuffs at the bean

began brewing my own coffee!!!

found the most amazing shoes ever (h&m.thankyou. also, thank you family for giftcards!)

get to sit in a row with my best friends during a morning class <3

listened to some great tunes: new girls' ep, lcd soundsystem, first aid kit, kexp artists (x1000), beach house, andrew (freakin) bird!!!

poemsprositrypoemspoemspoems. ohhh workshops!

mommy visits :)

sorting.life.ouuuuuuuut.

... mmmhmmm!

[Masterswarm- Andrew Bird]