Now I need a whole lot more to keep me on the ground

Just a feeling, I think. Like waking up to the other side of the bed half empty except for an imprint, a shadow of a ghost. Realizing the next step is occurring now, much sooner than you thought it would.

"I thought we would get a few good years out of each other, at least".
Maybe the whole "growing up" thing is happening right now. Or that's just the nice excuse.

The obvious: I miss you[and you and you and you]. And I feel like I've just been run over by life. Why can't I just be like Roger Rabbit, stick my thumb in my mouth, and blow myself back up?

Although I have wonderful people to support me, it's just not the same.

[Laura Marling- Failure]

Keep gettin' funky on the scene

Just a snippet of what my life will consist of for the next few months:

- GRE (Oct. 8th)
- Grad school apps (now-Dec 1, hopefully sooner than that!)
-- UC Davis
-- SDSU
-- UCI
-- UCSD
-- Antioch
-- University of Texas, Michener
-- Indiana University?
- School (16 units- 12 for class, 4 for internship. But hey, I'm reading some excellent books!)
- The Bean

... and the soundtrack to live by at the moment...
~ Ra Ra Riot's The Orchard
~ Surfer Blood's Astro Coast
~ Broken Bells' Self-Titled
~ Sufjan Stevens' All Delighted People
~ Wolf Parade's Expo '86
~ Arcade Fire's The Suburbs
~ David Bowie... everything (when can you ever stop listening to Bowie?)
~ Laura Marling
(and other lil' robbly-doos in there).

Oh, and try to maintain a social life. Because hey, I'm human.

readysetgoooo!

[Janelle Monae ft. Big Boi- Tightrope]

Am I suspended in Gaffa?

I joke about having a rebel's mentality.

In fact, I'm a literal, "follow-the-rules" type. I used to not let my sister play a boardgame if she were under the age range. I lined things up as a child. Read every direction and went in order out of fear of breaking something.

But I would burst a seam here and there-- stay out past curfew, linger at a park in a parked car past closing, feel the weight of a cell phone in my pocket when it should be in my purse while at work.

I melted into life. Set a routine. Made business deals with karma. Gained and lost.
Felt bland. And soon every call became something fiscal, something due, something needing change. I would seek something other than paper and numbers. Move easily to the side, then fall deep into mundane.

I felt the blurred edges of moments that pushed out of this. The mysterious light in the ocean, with helicopters perfectly still as planets. Us breathing, watching intently after being lost for an hour. Then everything vanishing- did the light sink, the fog roll in without our true acknowledgment? Making a mystery out of thin air.

So as I sat today, anxious about everything that needs to be settled, I collected myself into realizing where I may be now and where I am going, pulling at thin strings of the past and thinking of what could have been and what has been. And I realize now that I need to let go, let the moments float off like balloons, and hope that this whole "future business" is not business at all, but just another adventure to explore with whoever decides to grab my hand and run with me.

(... slightly sappy, but hey, I need that for now!)

[Suspended in Gaffa- Ra Ra Riot]