Am I suspended in Gaffa?

I joke about having a rebel's mentality.

In fact, I'm a literal, "follow-the-rules" type. I used to not let my sister play a boardgame if she were under the age range. I lined things up as a child. Read every direction and went in order out of fear of breaking something.

But I would burst a seam here and there-- stay out past curfew, linger at a park in a parked car past closing, feel the weight of a cell phone in my pocket when it should be in my purse while at work.

I melted into life. Set a routine. Made business deals with karma. Gained and lost.
Felt bland. And soon every call became something fiscal, something due, something needing change. I would seek something other than paper and numbers. Move easily to the side, then fall deep into mundane.

I felt the blurred edges of moments that pushed out of this. The mysterious light in the ocean, with helicopters perfectly still as planets. Us breathing, watching intently after being lost for an hour. Then everything vanishing- did the light sink, the fog roll in without our true acknowledgment? Making a mystery out of thin air.

So as I sat today, anxious about everything that needs to be settled, I collected myself into realizing where I may be now and where I am going, pulling at thin strings of the past and thinking of what could have been and what has been. And I realize now that I need to let go, let the moments float off like balloons, and hope that this whole "future business" is not business at all, but just another adventure to explore with whoever decides to grab my hand and run with me.

(... slightly sappy, but hey, I need that for now!)

[Suspended in Gaffa- Ra Ra Riot]