Now I'm Ready!

Progress!

I'm honestly letting go of everything. It's serious tabula rosa, clean slate.
Because I'm not letting this year end so poorly. Because although there were a lot of challenges Fall quarter, that was then. All I can do is keep looking ahead. I'm not going to have the memories turn into a salt pillar or go back into Hades, but I will trust that they are there trailing behind even slightly. There were some warm moments then, and I treasure those forever.

But it's about what I can treasure now-- days of laughing with baristas, nighttime excursions for donuts, Thai food, and singing "Rock Lobster" and "Space Oddity". An internship that I am honored to have. My wonderful poetry workshop friends. The inspirations that still churn some form of writing out of me. Best friends back home. A relationship that is learning to grow. Wonderful books. Dance beats. Grad applications. Sisters.

Kick it to the curb, the rest of 2010. I'm ready to trample all over it.

[Ready to Start- Arcade Fire]

I must become a lion hearted girl

What a familiar setting: It's 7:12 pm, I'm writing a 12 page research paper due tomorrow (on page 4!), have work at 545 am (may call my friend to switch with me so I can have 730 or whatever time it is), and a movie is playing in the background ((500) Days of Summer). "Freshman/Sophomore" Carly would have had this paper done about two weeks ago... But not "Junior/Senior Carly." With the help of my lovely friends, we all realized that, as English/LJ majors, we can write papers in a certain amount of time.

So, to quickly update before the month is over, I needed some sort of boost in terms of moral. Let's get this to happen!

* 2 grad apps down, about 5 to go!
* One of my finals papers got postponed/even cancelled. Basically, if I go to a self-defense class, I get an A... I'm doing it.
* I am representing UCI in the Ina Coolbrith Memorial Poetry Prize, along with my wonderful necklace twin Lynn. We are practicing humility--whatever happens, it's just wonderful to feel some sort of progression.
* I'm looking forward to school being done. It's back to the gym, back to reading for fun, having amazing adventures.
* I have an interview with Red Hen Press in Pasadena for a possible internship. Hopefully I find someone who wants to travel with me to experience the city (I want to make a fun day out of it).
* Today marks my one year anniversary with Coffee Bean. I have met the most beautiful people through working here, and I can't wait to experience the next year with them (depends on grad school, mind you, but still!)
* Thank goodness for my sister. She is the most amazing person in the entire world.

And for now, I'm still basking in the Thanksgiving fulfillment of soul... That sounds so corny. Basically, I'm grateful. Although there have been a lot of hurdles this quarter, it's still wonderful to breathe.

[Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)- Florence & the Machine]

Look alive, see these bones

My Learns
By Ryan Luz, MFA grad at UCSD

I could forget something
like a city, if
I was there long enough,
it’s nothing like sex or
snow.

---

When I found this, it stuck with me for days. I shared it with my friend and she put it as her facebook status. This is what poetry should be doing- sticking with you, like trim fat against the muscle to provide some warmth.

I have debated "my learns" for the past few months, and I cannot help but feel uncertain.

How far do I need to dig through cold bones?

Just unfurl. Keep the positives happening. It will be worth it.

[See These Bones- Nada Surf]

Do you know what's moving me?

Karma.

It's the one thing that I really believe in. It's an energy, a way to make the world a better place. Project yourself out there with good deeds and kindness and it will come back to you sorta thing.

I have a slight ESP, mostly concerning urges about material items (should I bring this thing? maybe I shouldn't wear that because it will break today...). I go against it (rebelrebel). I end up breaking something, needing the item I left at home. And I would like to claim a few things about the world-- how my day will go, how a situation will play itself out.

It's like feeling chemistry. That sense of catching someone's eye, and holding a gaze for two seconds. Then letting go. Having it lock again, and taking a step backward just to acknowledge it with light conversation.

So what happens when something shakes you to the core?

As much as I like to say I'm over things, I'm not fully. I still have dreams. Wake up in shock. Catch my breath in the car after I realize I have dwelled for too long. A lingering sensation on the lips from a kiss that happened in a fever dream. I still felt the drop in my stomach, but gulped it down to maintain composure.

Because sometimes you have to encrypt a moment. Tuck it deep into memory. Let the universe take over. We found happiness on our own, and have finally come to terms with it.

Maybe the shaking wasn't just a heart quiver. Perhaps it was karma preparing for my heart to settle down.

[Meteor- The Bird and the Bee]

There's no time to take

So, it's October?

I can't believe it. In such a short time I have taken the GRE, figured out what schools I wanted to apply to, pretty much completed a writing sample, started apps, worked about 22-30 hours per week, am expected to read about 2.25 books per week, fallen in love all over again, and kinda just tried not to drown?

It seems like life is really deciding to hit me hard. I don't like exposing too much about the distress in my life, but let's just say that I have been dealing with a lot. I'm relearning how to reach out. I'm relearning about friendship. Because at the end of the day, it reduces down to one thing: if you care about someone and they care about you, they will be there. Whether it be through study dates, lunch outings, random texts after a run-in... it's still nice to know I do have people who will catch me.

Just gotta keep moving through it. My horoscope said something on the lines of whatever situations I am in right now, they will clear up. And although I love me some fog, I would love to see that light at the end of the tunnel right about now.

[Feist- One Evening]

Now I need a whole lot more to keep me on the ground

Just a feeling, I think. Like waking up to the other side of the bed half empty except for an imprint, a shadow of a ghost. Realizing the next step is occurring now, much sooner than you thought it would.

"I thought we would get a few good years out of each other, at least".
Maybe the whole "growing up" thing is happening right now. Or that's just the nice excuse.

The obvious: I miss you[and you and you and you]. And I feel like I've just been run over by life. Why can't I just be like Roger Rabbit, stick my thumb in my mouth, and blow myself back up?

Although I have wonderful people to support me, it's just not the same.

[Laura Marling- Failure]

Keep gettin' funky on the scene

Just a snippet of what my life will consist of for the next few months:

- GRE (Oct. 8th)
- Grad school apps (now-Dec 1, hopefully sooner than that!)
-- UC Davis
-- SDSU
-- UCI
-- UCSD
-- Antioch
-- University of Texas, Michener
-- Indiana University?
- School (16 units- 12 for class, 4 for internship. But hey, I'm reading some excellent books!)
- The Bean

... and the soundtrack to live by at the moment...
~ Ra Ra Riot's The Orchard
~ Surfer Blood's Astro Coast
~ Broken Bells' Self-Titled
~ Sufjan Stevens' All Delighted People
~ Wolf Parade's Expo '86
~ Arcade Fire's The Suburbs
~ David Bowie... everything (when can you ever stop listening to Bowie?)
~ Laura Marling
(and other lil' robbly-doos in there).

Oh, and try to maintain a social life. Because hey, I'm human.

readysetgoooo!

[Janelle Monae ft. Big Boi- Tightrope]

Am I suspended in Gaffa?

I joke about having a rebel's mentality.

In fact, I'm a literal, "follow-the-rules" type. I used to not let my sister play a boardgame if she were under the age range. I lined things up as a child. Read every direction and went in order out of fear of breaking something.

But I would burst a seam here and there-- stay out past curfew, linger at a park in a parked car past closing, feel the weight of a cell phone in my pocket when it should be in my purse while at work.

I melted into life. Set a routine. Made business deals with karma. Gained and lost.
Felt bland. And soon every call became something fiscal, something due, something needing change. I would seek something other than paper and numbers. Move easily to the side, then fall deep into mundane.

I felt the blurred edges of moments that pushed out of this. The mysterious light in the ocean, with helicopters perfectly still as planets. Us breathing, watching intently after being lost for an hour. Then everything vanishing- did the light sink, the fog roll in without our true acknowledgment? Making a mystery out of thin air.

So as I sat today, anxious about everything that needs to be settled, I collected myself into realizing where I may be now and where I am going, pulling at thin strings of the past and thinking of what could have been and what has been. And I realize now that I need to let go, let the moments float off like balloons, and hope that this whole "future business" is not business at all, but just another adventure to explore with whoever decides to grab my hand and run with me.

(... slightly sappy, but hey, I need that for now!)

[Suspended in Gaffa- Ra Ra Riot]

I can feel the planets at work

Have faith that the universe will line things up for you, and everything will fall in place. It will work out

And as impatient as I am, I am trying my best. My faith is connected to the body, to the heart that pumps and pulls, latches and drags onto every vein, every nerve, every ounce of signifying calm or pressure. And every thought rushes through me completely, stopping to only make me nauseous, to cause my head to spin and make me weaker in the knees.

If I am so strong, if I know that the above symmetry will happen, then why do I feel myself slipping to the ground?

An easy conversation to resolve. And the basic point of love is progression, to nurture and watch it grow (plant towards the sun, right?) I'm taking it all in, and if this is the way the universe falls, then I will not stand in the way.

Gotta keep my muscles goin', y'know?

[Feedback in the Field- Plants and Animals]

When I'm by myself, I can be myself

I've been in one of those "rewrite the same blog" phases for a week now. Perhaps longer, since it's been practically a month since I've written anything here.

But I've lived in monotony- woke up, worked, went home, ate, visited, slept. Rinse and repeat, an old rag torn to bits, starting at the corners or seams to work itself to the middle.

I began the original blog by saying "I am not the expectation type". I then began another, saying "I admit that I fall for people". I explained through coded monologue what my life has been, how I've come to these conclusions. I then deleted everything, only to be left with this slight edge of mind.

Perhaps I hold onto a memory for too long. But this summer has left me knowing that I can leave all of that behind, because some memories are not as important to people. I am told to let go, and I will do just that.


[Empty Room- Arcade Fire]

As I clean my throat, I'm mystified

Stress continued to bang and clang its rearing head, pounding until it hit some nerve. (In plain english.. yeah, I had a bit of a breakdown. But there are some people who have it way worse than I do, so I don't want to dwell on it).

And even in the shaking, I found thoughts of you in mixed CDs and random outbursts of song. Because it was at my birthday party four years ago we first sang in front of each other. It was two years ago we went to a concert together and danced without a care. This past winter break, we stumbled upon the closed doors to a favorite coffee shop, making us wander to another and sit in the warmth of a car, as if it were a fire. The necklace that hangs above the dash is the same tinted red of the heart you wore, carved with a brown or black string through it. Although we found ourselves busy, I still called and you still answered, even for a minute. And I called tonight out of longing, and you replied that you were coming home for a weekend, and thank goodness I called (because in your truest fashion, you only tell if inquired).

It's funny to say, but what got us to be as close as we are were our attractions to each other. I mean, you made me blush. I made you laugh. We showered each other with compliments, guitar and writing serenades, honesty. And in that blunt nature we found a friendship that had no boundaries, one that could be pushed to a new conversational limit as we outlined parks with our feet and breathed out stories in fog.

These are my favorite types of friendships, the ones that have a spark.

[Social Competence- Peter Moren]

Cool it mister ice cream sun//The storm is breaking with the shaking

[Written in the night]

Nostalgia hits me hardest in the later hours. In light minutes my mind seems to travel towards the future, beyond the occurring (the horizon where now ends). An obvious dichotomy of day and night, past and future.

My current space breathes with car rides (a common theme as of late), sunshine burning my skin, scent changes, early nights. My time was spent only a few weeks ago staying up late, old television softly glowing, the pressure of books against our knees (and mostly a blue couch) as the words tended to sink lower instead of into our heads (though we let on eventually that work was accomplished). I now read (although still mostly leisurely) to feel even that slight sense of study... Steady. A steady sense of grounding myself.

And I make it sound as if I am longing for the past, but only aspects of it. Because I know how exciting these summer moments are, full of beer froth and rock dust. I'm just longing to relive the quarter miles that took us to warm cookies and iced coffee.

--
[Written in daylight]

Four hours of sleep later and a warm shower slumbered and washed the twitch away. Time straightened itself out like floss being wrapped around one's index finger (the moment pulled into a curl).

I want to tightrope across this schedule of ours and be able to grab your hand and run. It's hard to break habits, and although we were not habitual, I'm hoping that the same thought has crossed you even for a second.

Because yeah, I miss you and stuffs!

[Everything Starts Where It Ends- Lovedrug & Zorbing- Stornoway]

Oh! I woke up from a fever dream

One of my best friends and I decided to do a book swap in December. I traded him Andre Breton's Nadja for his copy of Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami in December. After that we hung out weekly because of our internship, and caught on to how busy our lives would be. But we both swore to try and read, because these books were completely worth having to stay up a bit later to catch a few paragraphs.

So I read earnestly, but school kept getting in the way or I had to finish another book right before I could get to this one. Summer came with my having about 100 pages to go. I never forgot how beautiful the prose was, how the story would grip me at times.
And within these past few days, I have been swallowed whole by this narrative. It was one of those "perfect timing" books, where it was seen through the prisms of other books that crossed my way that in this moment, I were to read this and have this passage affect me in that certain way.

It's just one of those beautiful things about living. Finding that correlation between reality and the print on a musty page. Music hits me in the same way, as another friend told me that he still remembers me referencing "Julia" by the Beatles in an old xanga post.

Give me good prose, and you have me.

[Yulia- Wolf Parade]

We do the dance up on the plains

Summer in Materialism (aka I need to list things)

Summer Sounds (oh, a huge list of desires)
-- Stars (Five Ghosts. I must preorder this for the EP before Tues <3)
-- Janelle Monae (got it!)
-- Joanna Newsom (Have One on Me)
-- She & Him (Vol. 2)
-- The National (got it!)
-- Tokyo Police Club (got it!)
-- The Roots
-- Arcade Fire (The Suburbs out August 2)
-- Sia (We are Born)
-- Wolf Parade (Expo '86 out June 29)
-- The Pains of Being Pure at Heart (new singles!)
-- School of Seven Bells (Disconnect from Desire out July 12)
-- MGMT (Congratulations)
-- Surfer Blood (Astro Coast)
-- Broken Bells (self-titled)
-- God Help the Girl- Baby You're Blind single

Words on Pages
-- Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood
-- Jules et Jim
-- True Blood books (teehee)
-- Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
-- William S. Burroughs' Naked Lunch
-- ... I need more poets to look into!

Flashing Images
-- TRUE BLOOD <3
-- Toy Story 3
-- Sex & the City 2 (and the series. thanks HBO)
-- Dexter
-- Weeds
-- Ghost Hunters
-- Top Chef D.C.

Traveling Feet
-- Just take me anywhere :)

[Grass- Animal Collective]

Cause it's good to be back

While my best friend is graduating (and having another best friend watch him), I have found time to complete the inevitable "End of the Year" post!

And my, what an intense year it was. The E28Besties embarked on Operation World Domination... and I think we all succeeded. We conquered E100, LJ103, LJ workshops, poetry workshops, Spanish classes, english classes... And we all found bits and pieces of life that make us really, really happy. I am surrounded by such wonderful and successful individuals, ranging from a New U Editor-in-Chief, a PUSO board member, a New U copy editor, and an EAP employee. World Domination kept us pretty busy, but I can honestly say that at the end of the day, it was this group of amazing people that nevertheless keep my heart in Irvine. I am demanding that we'll be able to combine forces and seriously take over the universe next :)

I have to briefly mention the amazing... moments that have happened this year. Two more publications. Becoming a New Forum Editor (for Spring and the rest of the year). UCI Poetry Academy internship. Wr111 Workshop... Every single moment has been superb, extremely sweet and insanely mind blowing. I have honestly met the most amazing people in these experiences, and some of these people will be in my life for... an extremely long time. Workshop, in particular, broke me down in the best ways possible. I felt myself really grow up, and I discovered passion all over again because of it.

Now, I could look at the year through all the classes (and professors this year ranged from pure frustration with the atmosphere to sheer delight and spasms as they walked on by)... but the parenthesis pretty much said everything.

If anything, this year was about finding happiness. I searched for it through my work, through keeping connections with amazing friends, through the trials and tribulations of young love... And I think I've found a lot of it. I'm leaving the school year reveling in the amount of knowledge and challenges I faced, but with a sense that I have really grown up.

Now, bring on that sun.

[Breakneck Speed- Tokyo Police Club]

Well the truth be a lion stone cold messiah

Bits and Blurbs (some sort of slightly corny prose).

We sat around a table. Asked what I love you means-- a promise, a momentary release of expressed emotion, another form of I miss you. I said for now, it means I'm here for you. But it is more. The most important sentiment about those three words, those eight letters, is the you. It can be said to anyone, truly. It's not that hard to love in any form, yet we stress that middle part of the phrase with different tones, inflections, a weight because it contains one extra letter.
But when said, it is directed to you. It is one of the fastest phrases to come out of my mouth, and yet I shy away when that middle word is supposed to contain some sort of significance. And definitions are ever-changing, just as the you is always someone different (because we are changing constantly). When said too much, we move away from the core of it. When said too little, we shy away from giving the phrase life, fullness. You are the one that inspires the five letters before I arrive to the three that represent you namelessly. We can add on names for specifics, but you already know your own name.
I carry the weight of a phrase and support you when it lands on your shoulders.

---

And I can't tell how much I miss faces. How we all were. But the past cannot come back because it has become an illusion, a ghost to make us remember. And it has been so quiet. I hear creaking footsteps and somehow wish they came from other feet hitting the floor. Maybe the ants would listen as I listen now.

---

[Water in Hell- Broken Social Scene]

I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees

Gary Young- Hummingbirds build their nests

Hummingbirds build their nests under the ferns; little cups of lichen, feathers, and moss. They cannot walk, but they can hover in the air. They can fly forward and fly back, and when they move into the light, their frail bodies shine with iridescence. Watching them in the garden, my own voice startles me saying, look, there's my heart.



Renaissance.
These girls are a big part of my heart, and as busy as we are, these are the moments that continue to make my year, my life, and every little thing in-between make sense.

[Bloodbuzz Ohio- The National]

I'd kiss you, but you know it'd be gently through the door

I wish there was a button to check for ambiguity in my work.

I find language beautiful. I long to hear beautiful prose, the way words can be strung together to communicate a narrative.
... And yet I've been getting slammed for it. Not because of the words I use (for the most part), but because of the embellishment.

Every few weeks I fight back tears as I hear the same comment over and over- what is going on here? I drown myself in ways to express scenarios in wrapped images, much like giftwrap. It's a beautiful outside, but the inside is very concrete. That's what my poetry has been lately- a bunch of giftwrap to cover up what is really at the heart- the present itself, in plain sight, no decoration.

So I gotta toss that paper away, and fast. So long codework.
I'm wanting to get to these presents just as much as you do.

[If You Can't See My Mirrors- The New Pornographers]

From a void to a grain of sand in your hand

Writer's Block

Instead of allowing myself to be stuck, I am constantly trying to climb this rock, this bolder, this big cliff in front of me that once I pass over it, I will freefall into water, crisp and serene and cool.

For now, I feel as if I've lost myself.
But writers are meant to be broken and reformed.

[Orphans- Beck]

And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Memory is like a palpitating shadow,
a ghost pang, oiled
to beat and shriek
against the wind.

My tongue doesn't realize
the flight of ghosts.

(written by myself from my internship. I'm kinda proud of it)

---

We recorded our voices as mp3s in order to tease each other, to prove how far we were willing to reveal our secrets. I kept mine on a burned disc, repeating my order for you not to listen until I left. Separately, we listened to the coos of impressions being made. I fell for your laughter, your voice rising and falling in earnest desiring. You fell for my blending with the sound, and for goodness knows what else.

We drove along the coast, me falling asleep while clasping your hand. Inland, familiar songs began to play, us mouthing the words. And then you began to sing. My voice snuck underneath yours, crescendo-ing in familiarity. Something. Samson. These Days.

And it's just the beginning. My goodness, I love you.

[Samson- Regina Spektor]

I am yours now, so now I don't ever have to leave

I realize my best thoughts occur during car rides by myself.

The long drive home, traveling past fields of mustard seed with the sea to my right. It's honestly the most enjoyable time I get to spend by myself, surrounded by the open road, susceptible to the elements. Being able to control the interior- the music playing, the air circulating through my clenched hands on the wheels, the speed. My mind rolls through thoughts of my destination, and lines begin to form and be drawn out in front of me.... which causes me to take my cell phone and scribble them in through the power of the note application and t9 (until the note exceeds its limit, then I have to rush and try to keep my thoughts).

I have learned the value of my car. A teacher once told me the best time to memorize anything was in one's car, completely alone. And it works.

And now, for the ever-popular obsessions.

1) Iced tea (Im trying to get myself off of powdery drinks from work. Only one a week. And honestly, with the sun coming out to play more often, iced tea is where it's at <3 Natural flavor baby, natural!)

2) The XX (gah, so good. Seeing them in June!). And Laura Marling's CD did not disappoint! Also obsessed with Edward Sharpe, Dirty Projectors, Animal Collective... mmm mmm mmm

3) Finally got my dream blazer from H&M. Perfect mix of feminine and manliness- lightweight, oversized pockets, tailoring, and simply to-die-for. Also found my perfect trousers (hello androgyny, I love you).

4) Rings- so many now! Trying to find another knux ring and a few other pieces.

5) Love.

[Islands- The xx]

Let it always be known that I was who I am

Happy Birthday blawg <3

I was writing your "birthday note" on your actual birthday, but have not had time to develop it (and I have a pet peeve about blogs being posted on inaccurate days).

The interesting thing is how one begins to mark a year- birthdays, anniversaries, New Year's Eve/Day. And I have found another marker in you. You have held my thoughts, my poetry, my memories, my ramblings. You have seen me through multiple changes of ideology, continuous musical fandom, and countless heart swells.

You are helping to create a story, a sort of history. Because what I document are thoughts, materialized through words to stain this page. I am recording every desire- at times, encrusted in code- to look back on for memory's sake. It is in this moment that these thoughts flourish, to settle down and become paragraphs for the past, and I can only look forward towards whatever circumstances will bring me into the future.

Thank you for our year of history making. Let's keep going <3

(and to quote, I'm mad as a hatter for you.
teeheehee)

[Laura Marling- Rambling Man]

Home is wherever I'm with you

Before leaving, you told me to work on being here more. I asked further. You said, "I can feel that you're here with me, right now. But I can tell when your mind travels, how you're putting one foot in front of the other, how your eyes gaze further than the horizon of this room. When you leave, leave for here".

I find myself searching for here while everything is slightly scattering around me. I find focus in your voice amidst every smile. I return constantly to imagine hearing it.

I know about time, and this place holds an infinite amount of it. So when I say take your time, I'm here for you, I mean it. I am striving for here, presently moving within the changing seconds. It's hard to not look beyond this moment, because we will cross paths again.

my darling, I'll be here soon

[Home- Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros]

Over ghosts that broke my heart before I met you

It is Spring, and I always get swept away within its obsessions. There is newness, a birth of sorts to carry us away from all winter had us hiding in; instead of woolen coats, blacks and browns, coverage, we change into lightweight cardigans, neons and pastels, bare-limbs that will reflect the sun.

And so, I am currently obsessed with...







In order...
Coffee (look at that heart in there! teeheehee <3)
Lacy Dresses (this is a still from "The Harvest", a short video promotion for Lover via liebermane vintage blog via Russh blog),
The Dodos
The New Pornographers
Laura Marling

And the unpictured...
French music,
Lena Horne (another clutch for me: 1940s jazz singers),
Reading (Alan Shapiro, Harumi Murakami, Dave Eggers)

Oh spring, I'm wrapped up in you already. Let's keep this romance going for a while, shall we?

[Laura Marling- Ghosts]

But don't you love her, deep down, I said don't ever, Because it's gonna keep him hanging around

There is this one stunning picture of an Asian model in a white tank top for CK (Calvin Klein) One in Nylon's Pretty (if I can find the photo, I'll upload it here).

I'm sitting here in the dark listening to Spoon, orange peels scattered on my right knee, completely bare-faced. The only light (besides the subtle glow coming from the shuttered window adjacent to me) is from the computer screen. I happened to look up into the mirror- the light is making an interesting (I hate that word) silhouette.

While observing my reflection, I happened to be catching up on all the fashion blogs I've been missing out on for the past two weeks (finals + cruise, which was a really fun time). I happened to discover how one of my favorites blogged about a maternity blog... A fashionable one at that.

So my interest was sparked. I looked through picture after picture trying to discover her looks, clicking through pages of baby photos... and my maternal instinct captivated me.

For those who know me, I have been known to say I have a huge fear of pregnancy. It honestly began after reading (the incredible/one of my all-time favorites) East of Eden in the 11th grade. There was a class discussion that took place about a moment where an instrument for curing an STD was mentioned, and my teacher had to draw it... It was a metal, spiky Christmas tree looking device that literally gives me the heebee jeebees.

Since then, I just developed this fear.

"you should really think about this
it sounds like an interesting starting point for something"
- 0.5
(he's not letting me forget about this. thank you sir!)

hmm.hmmhmmhmm.

[Don't You Evah- Spoon]

In every way, I've changed since then

You know those... thingies that go "this is to this as that is to that"
Like, blue:green::red:orange.
Well, if I did one, it would be a bit too confessional, and I'm not revealing all my secrets tonight (today, really, if you look at the time).
Basically, I realized that you are to me as she is to him (mmm code work. slightly).

There were frantic wheels when I realized this. Realizations cause speed. So I sped, knowing that even if I found you, I would have to slow my actions down, lock my arms in place, put on stoicism for passion and try to enter into cool confessional-ity.

I remembered how you once flailed your arms in front of you to demonstrate how I wanted to hold onto you. I laughed and took your hand in mine anyways, opting to wait until your arm fell to your side and slipping ever so slightly into its warmth.

As I searched you out, your ghost taunted me, flailing.
I relaxed, a quick flash of laughter at my own stupidity.
I cupped my hands together for warmth, put them to my mouth, breathed fog (it hid your ghost).

And you have been gone from my heart. And I smiled.

[The First Five Times- Stars]

I feel that word for you

4 Moments (just to unfurl)

1.

-"I've been meaning to ask you about that"
--"About what?"
-"What you meant by 'I think we'd be good for each other'?"
--"I mean that exactly. Do you doubt it?"
-"Well..."
--"I feel it. It's instinct"

... Well, it sure would be quite the story, and I always think to myself about it. I remain guarded, but so do you. We melt away and fall into routine. Are we finally ready to admit that? Are we finally falling into the undercurrent?

---

2.

Whenever I hear your voice, I feel peace within my soul. I sometimes catch myself inching my hand closer to yours, lingering that extra second if I get the opportunity to do so. I am far too nervous to actually do it, but I hear you're preoccupied, which is fine by me. Truly fine. Because we have an absolutely beautiful thing going.

---

3.

A wall goes up, and this is when I mime. I control the urge to just slip my hand into yours, to write down exactly what I want to say... I play cool, calm, and collected. But when you want something, you make that effort. I don't know why I feel myself knot up at the thought of you, why I unfurl when I get the briefest moment. I have reached out for "the last time". If you don't reach back, then... I must "simply" let go.

---

4.

We're so similar. Thank goodness for that. I can see us in rocking chairs, recollecting about past novels and poems and tall tales from our youth while having modest careers and that someone to tuck in at night. Every conversation, every chuckle... it trickles down and gives me something more than just reassurance. You're a keeper.

---

[Worn Me Down- Rachael Yamagata]

Say a word that's quiet, not half the way there

Disjunct Within the Mind

---

Lately, I cut myself off.

And I can't help it. I cut myself off in front of everyone, and so far, there has been one exception.
(Thank goodness for you, other half. Our conversations are... amazing).
It's not serious- I just notice it. So don't take it as my holding back.

---

I'm so happy for you, don't question that. Ever. Because seeing your smile makes me happy.

---

Time.

[Oh, La- Ra Ra Riot]

We have taken to the streets in open rejoice

"After reading your work, I can say that you are a caliber above them all".

(wow. speechless for.... a long time).

My thoughts in picture form:













[Paris is Burning- St. Vincent]

I'm not the carpet you walk on, I'm not one small atomic bomb

Third Publication in UCI New Forum (the poem below is featured in the Winter 2010 Edition)!

---
Splinter

To say the glass fell from the sky is ridiculous
But I have not told you, my darling,
That the cabinets and ceilings are part of the division
Between what is beyond us and near us, and
Just because they are white and close to the windows
Does not mean that you can reach in and grab at will.

I carry you to safety, to the plush carpet
Beneath your feet, where the ceramic slivers will
Not cross into your being.
At your age, I never want you to experience
That painful cut. I want you to remain porcelain and complete,
Sitting on my shelf with shadows crossing your reflection.

With broom in hand, I sweep the mess you made.
I watch with precision. There will be no trace
Of any of this material faltering.
But I feel my back pulling away.
It splits along the vertebrae and juts into
Paralysis as you climb to reach the sky again.

I don’t know how much longer I will be able to hold you up.
---

It is always amazing to see my words in print. The most amazing aspect were the friends (and sibling!) who went to support me... I could not have asked for more. From the beautiful intro to my poem to my reading it to the compliments afterwards... I am dumbfounded with how my work is being taken in. Truly, I am just aspiring for the stars and doing whatever I can to reach them...

So thank you.

[Now Now- St. Vincent]

I'm obsolete, But if the chance remained, To see those better days, I'd cut the cannons down

I deleted the last post (and damn, there was some good metaphor in there).

I try to filter my mind, shift through memories, keep the gold and toss the silt back into the mix.
There was some silt that needed to be tossed. I couldn't keep up something that was based on assumptions.

My philosophy on life is to base it within emotion. Although irrational, I will ride on the back of pathos until the cows come home. I believe(d) that emotion- pure, unrequited- can surpass any obstacle. (There's the hope. There's the optimism). But one must be open to circumstance, to logic, to the mind's interference... Because rational is key. It curves the emotions so as to keep them within the constraints that we must adapt to (otherwise, we would be wild and reckless within our freedom). I am not saying that emotions are the way to go at all times... Rather, I believe that if there is feeling, there are ways to bypass circumstance.

I'm in deep. I shouldn't be. The timing was off (mingling with a few other unfortunate matters). And I'm not one to believe in planning the future when circumstances are in constant fluctuation, but... I feel.
Perhaps the stars will align to create a silver lining.
I'm watching the skyline to see this effect. I can't say for how long before I blink away, but I will glance back occasionally and smile.

(ps- thank you to the following
Dull Life- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Salesman- White Rabbits
Unfold and Please Don't Tell Her- Jason Mraz
Vagabond feat. Shad K- Hey Ocean)

[Giving Up the Gun- Vampire Weekend]

A million broken beats drove right through me. I took a breath, another one, and simply walked away.

It's finally gone through me.

I was letting a feeling ride itself out. I kept faith, because when you expressed something 4 months ago I was amazed. I thought, How did this happen? What sort of cosmos came together to have this occur? What being do I owe for this? But time has proven itself again and again.
I was racing to catch you always. I realize that now.

You began the race, and I finished it.
I waited on your words, in rain, in the midst of academia.
You figured it out.

And the most amazing people stood and watched me in this race. They saw my staggering. They replenished whatever water I lost. Yet I continued to run, because I wanted the adrenaline rush, the heart swelling, the muscular strain that comes with it all.
I was wrapped up in your perfection.

The words you deserve better have been said again and again. For my modesty I accepted them with kindness, but my mind could not wrap around it (one girl knows this, as she has said it to me every day as she watched me come and go).

Today it hit me. A customer came in, "How's my favorite doing?" (I blushed and replied). "Do you remember my order?" (I forgot. He forgave me). "So, what are you doing tomorrow? I'm sure you have a whole slew of dates lined up for you?" (No, I don't. I actually...). "WHAT?! Explain this to me!" (I explained). "Sweetheart, promise me something (insert it here). You deserve nothing but the best. I'm checking in on you. Promise?" (Deal).

If a person who has only seen me a few times can see this, why couldn't you?
It's not a question I need answered. Your actions were louder than your words. But their words are resonating louder still.

Thank you dn, dl, jr, sm, dg, as, mb, bm, mc, ep, abci, sm.
I'm letting go.

[Beatboxer Who Broke My Heart- Hey Ocean!]

The rest is sure to lay me ease the plural hurts of the words of reverse psychology

So... what's this week's excuse?

I'm not letting my heart swell this time.
(believe me when I say it will... I just can't show it)

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."
(Thanks Michael "Heartbreaker" <3)

[Please Don't Tell Her- Jason Mraz]

If I had my way I'd cross the desert to the sea. Learn to speak in tongues, something that makes sense to you and to me

I should not be on this at all, but it's time for a bit of code work, a bit of mind sedimentation (a la the 4 humors)

Notes to self-
Humorism/humoralism.
Escogology (supposedly it doesn't exist)

Charlotte Gainsbourg.
Los Campesinos!
Surfer Blood.
Spoon.
Yeasayer.
Wildbirds & Peacedrums.
Frightened Rabbit.
Midlake.
Sleigh Bells.

Call and Response.
(silly longing for it
the knots in my stomach attest to it
... please don't let me down with it).
33 hours, and the dark grooves of espresso on my palms after.
(I'm too kind for it).
Breathebreathebreathe.
(born doing it)
And let go.

[Me and Jane Doe- Charlotte Gainsbourg]

Attractive day in the rubble of the night before

1:52-1:55
hjntiy.
it gives me faith, and I hate to give into these girlish tendencies.
... but faith in something gets people through the day, right?

so I'm human, I get my hopes up.
and when they're up for an optimist, they fly. they free-fall a majority of the time to safe landings... No parachute catching on a chord, no panic, endorphins running through the cleansing air, the impact of landing and running those extra few feet to meet halfway with the stride of another. Of the plan finally happening.

it's faith. and my faith is believing in others. striving to allow others to see the potential best I know they have within themselves.
and it's foolishness. because I know how much trusting someone and believing in someone can do to another's psyche- it's draining.
but I want them to be mixed. I want to experience my foolishness for all its worth. because I have faith in this potential. because my running of the pathos is hopefully absorbed by those I believe in, only to be cycled through constantly.

I felt my feet hit the ground. the thuds were boisterous. and I ran to no avail. but it's okay... perhaps you're just farther away for now. and I'm willing to wait- I have faith for when we met in the middle. you're just running late.

[Fireworks- Animal Collective]

I think you are that ting that will be this autumn crush

For christmas, my best friend gave me a locket.
I teared up, because it has been the one thing I've always wanted for the holidays.
And it's beautiful- a vintage bronze encrusted with crystals.

What is magical is the picture(s) that one puts in it. They mean something to the person wearing it. People continuously open it, and are shown the smiling faces. They understand the sentiment behind it, but they cannot know the sentiment within it. Between bent, cut-out corners and the circular backings, the wearer does not need to constantly open it to know what is inside- they placed it there. Honest. Safe. Locked into place so easily, with no deliberation, no hesitation- just pure, uninhibited.

There is the myth that when one's necklace backing brings itself to the front, one must kiss it before they hide it again, because it moved due to someone thinking about the wearer.

I placed you in my make-shift locket, and as the break went on, I questioned my decision.
Was it too soon? Did I just trust you too easily?
... But you were there. Locked. The corners began to peel, but I wasn't ready to replace you. I wasn't ready for the glue to lose its elasticity.
I stood there the next time I saw you, and opened myself- no hesitation, uninhibited.
I let the sentiment escape my lips- I('m) let(ting) you in.
I believe in... (Can I say this?)
Us.
After I saw you, I kissed the backing- it shifted directly in front of me.
So easily. With no deliberation.
Just pure.

[Falling in Fall- Those Dancing Days]

Oh, my wrists are weak but if I could, I'd lift your body

Anything I write here will be too telling.
I'm attempting codes...

I'm sorry.
A+ to you.
Rachael Yamagata, you got me again.
I'm longing for the space between my eyelids- that space where sleep is inches away.
Without the palpitations.
Without the nerves shaking within my mind.
Gets it?
I'm focusing on getting it.
And once I get it, I'll feel it out.
Let it ride its course, straight through me, and that will be that.

But for now, stoic sensibility.

[Truly posted: 4:27 am]
[Wrists- Tegan & Sara]

Pentagon in paralax, A foretold rumbling sounds below the deep, Come and see

Realization: We are creatures of habit.

Growing up, we become accustomed to routine. The waking up at a certain time every day, going to a place, working, seeing the same faces again and again. Sitting in the same seat, coming home to sleep in the same bed, setting the alarm to repeat it all again.

But there are spontaneous moments- the conversations, the new faces that are passed from one's routine to another's, an intermingling of minds breathing in front of new bodies.

And as we grow older, we can only adapt to molding ourselves with and in-between routine and spontaneity. We keep with them, adding and removing what we will with the knowledge that some things are only temporary. The location remains the same, but the conversation lifts and falls with the times and events that the spontaneity of the mind creates as it reflects upon the world, creating every action and reaction that sets the routine in motion.

So we create habits. What we find pleasurable becomes habitual- we smile around those who bring us joy, we get used to another's voice, we find walking to the same place even enjoyable as an action we must perform. After a repeated action, we begin to find comfort in our situations, while realizing there is an element of change.

I believe that people are changing constantly- every second we are becoming more aware of ourselves, growing with the realization that occurs on our paths towards happiness. Human desire in itself wants a steady platform, a sense of stability... but it must be woken up through bursts of freshness so as not to bore itself. We need both- the fluctuation within solidity, the cracks within our foundation that allow for breathing (a constant motion that always contains new life).

Monday starts another routine. I am hoping that spontaneity leads back to answering a question that I posed about three weeks ago.
Let's get this going <3
[The Island: Come and See- The Decemberists]