Today, I went on a quest for answers.
The receipt shook in my hand like a leaf as I listened to a friend. We switched places, and I began to wonder. I let the cosmos unfurl through cards. Small confirmations were spilled onto a table, and I let them sink in.
She mentioned angels dropping little notes to me- my small inspirations. How there is support all around me. How it was true- we were meant to meet, and it was beautiful. How a girl walked away from an outreached hand. The sense of longing still present. The confirmation in school.
I needed a solid foundation-- one I already believed in. It materialized within the span of fifteen minutes and hours of driving.
Just remain clear, remain sharp. It will work out.
[Cross Oceans-First Aid Kit]
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Dear heart, don't stop fighting
Believe me, I'm making lists of my dues, what I owe everyone.
It's hard to let people peek into even a bit of my life anymore... Which is oxymoronic of me to say. I'm practically an open book, willing to talk to most things that move. But since the day I realized things weren't the same, I felt myself shut down and off. I have thrown myself into work since the summer, the drives back and forth from home to home to keep my job and try to earn something. Fall quarter I called friends and family in tears-- I lacked sleep. I ate maybe once a day. Avoided food in order to keep a dollar in my pocket. Paid for an apartment on my own. Avoided said apartment because it was cold, too quiet, drafty with old memories. Still dealing with financial family issues (hopefully to be resolved soon). All while trying to keep relationships afloat, a social life, my grades up, applications turned in.
Let's just keep it at this: Last week, from Monday on, was not good. A lot of issues broke out like a fever. I broke from pressures to reply.
Just understand I'm trying my best. I know it may not be good enough for you, but I've stretched myself thin.
[Riot Rhythm- Sleigh Bells]
It's hard to let people peek into even a bit of my life anymore... Which is oxymoronic of me to say. I'm practically an open book, willing to talk to most things that move. But since the day I realized things weren't the same, I felt myself shut down and off. I have thrown myself into work since the summer, the drives back and forth from home to home to keep my job and try to earn something. Fall quarter I called friends and family in tears-- I lacked sleep. I ate maybe once a day. Avoided food in order to keep a dollar in my pocket. Paid for an apartment on my own. Avoided said apartment because it was cold, too quiet, drafty with old memories. Still dealing with financial family issues (hopefully to be resolved soon). All while trying to keep relationships afloat, a social life, my grades up, applications turned in.
Let's just keep it at this: Last week, from Monday on, was not good. A lot of issues broke out like a fever. I broke from pressures to reply.
Just understand I'm trying my best. I know it may not be good enough for you, but I've stretched myself thin.
[Riot Rhythm- Sleigh Bells]
Friday, February 11, 2011
I've come to realize life is not about love with someone
As we drove back from lunch, I realized that I missed calling him "mine", but wanted to continue not being called "his".
I asked for time, as I always do. To figure things out, to let everything filter and sort itself out. I packed up bits of my life in make-shift mason jars- enough to see through but keep packed in. I told him once that I kept everything, read every day and thought. But it became too much.
It's for the better. It's not the love that dies out, but the strain of "time" and placement in life right now. Like a puzzle, we had to punch the piece in. Now, I'm working for effortless.
[I Want to Be Well- Sufjan Stevens]
I asked for time, as I always do. To figure things out, to let everything filter and sort itself out. I packed up bits of my life in make-shift mason jars- enough to see through but keep packed in. I told him once that I kept everything, read every day and thought. But it became too much.
It's for the better. It's not the love that dies out, but the strain of "time" and placement in life right now. Like a puzzle, we had to punch the piece in. Now, I'm working for effortless.
[I Want to Be Well- Sufjan Stevens]
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Lay your eggs where it's warm
So far in 2011, I have
completed my 6th (and possibly final) application for grad school (note: 7th is pending on how I feel in the morning/if I can really handle writing more personal statements and essays/debating my financial circumstances... always.)
worked at Red Hen Press for a month, and am loving it (besides the gas mileage... weow)!
saw my sister off to the Big Apple, and am hopefully visiting her in March (fingers crossed! Again, depends on finances. but papa may help I hope).
rid myself of (most of) the sugary stuffs at the bean
began brewing my own coffee!!!
found the most amazing shoes ever (h&m.thankyou. also, thank you family for giftcards!)
get to sit in a row with my best friends during a morning class <3
listened to some great tunes: new girls' ep, lcd soundsystem, first aid kit, kexp artists (x1000), beach house, andrew (freakin) bird!!!
poemsprositrypoemspoemspoems. ohhh workshops!
mommy visits :)
sorting.life.ouuuuuuuut.
... mmmhmmm!
[Masterswarm- Andrew Bird]
completed my 6th (and possibly final) application for grad school (note: 7th is pending on how I feel in the morning/if I can really handle writing more personal statements and essays/debating my financial circumstances... always.)
worked at Red Hen Press for a month, and am loving it (besides the gas mileage... weow)!
saw my sister off to the Big Apple, and am hopefully visiting her in March (fingers crossed! Again, depends on finances. but papa may help I hope).
rid myself of (most of) the sugary stuffs at the bean
began brewing my own coffee!!!
found the most amazing shoes ever (h&m.thankyou. also, thank you family for giftcards!)
get to sit in a row with my best friends during a morning class <3
listened to some great tunes: new girls' ep, lcd soundsystem, first aid kit, kexp artists (x1000), beach house, andrew (freakin) bird!!!
poemsprositrypoemspoemspoems. ohhh workshops!
mommy visits :)
sorting.life.ouuuuuuuut.
... mmmhmmm!
[Masterswarm- Andrew Bird]
Saturday, January 22, 2011
To say the things I want to say to you
My love is more like a kettle than a box. More like the space within both and what fills it. Kettles need water to sweetly bubble, boil into taking more and softening it with heat. Boxes can be stuffed, air slowly escaping folds and breathing in crevices.
I felt my mind seal. It couldn't look past a room, however colorful the quilts and plants. Outside, I felt the rush of a sigh. And I knew (I've known) that something had to change.
I missed the chance for a real "End of the Year/Resolutions" post, but here it is, better late than never at all. I learned from the end of the year about friendship, and how deep the roots really are. I prepared myself for grad school apps (and I'm still 1-2 away from being completely done!). I received an internship, and left another (if only for a little while). I grew to love my job again. I realized the importance of sleep.
Most importantly, I've decided to put myself first. Which is very unlike me, to be perfectly honest. I'd rather see those around me happy first. But it was time.
My resolution is to strive towards happiness. I have walked out of a room of tropical plants and yarn to discover something beyond it. Maybe I just need a peek, a vacation, a moment.
Because if this is meant to be, then it will be. But for now, I am young, and I am ready.
[A Crime- Sharon van Etten]
I felt my mind seal. It couldn't look past a room, however colorful the quilts and plants. Outside, I felt the rush of a sigh. And I knew (I've known) that something had to change.
I missed the chance for a real "End of the Year/Resolutions" post, but here it is, better late than never at all. I learned from the end of the year about friendship, and how deep the roots really are. I prepared myself for grad school apps (and I'm still 1-2 away from being completely done!). I received an internship, and left another (if only for a little while). I grew to love my job again. I realized the importance of sleep.
Most importantly, I've decided to put myself first. Which is very unlike me, to be perfectly honest. I'd rather see those around me happy first. But it was time.
My resolution is to strive towards happiness. I have walked out of a room of tropical plants and yarn to discover something beyond it. Maybe I just need a peek, a vacation, a moment.
Because if this is meant to be, then it will be. But for now, I am young, and I am ready.
[A Crime- Sharon van Etten]
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Now I'm Ready!
Progress!
I'm honestly letting go of everything. It's serious tabula rosa, clean slate.
Because I'm not letting this year end so poorly. Because although there were a lot of challenges Fall quarter, that was then. All I can do is keep looking ahead. I'm not going to have the memories turn into a salt pillar or go back into Hades, but I will trust that they are there trailing behind even slightly. There were some warm moments then, and I treasure those forever.
But it's about what I can treasure now-- days of laughing with baristas, nighttime excursions for donuts, Thai food, and singing "Rock Lobster" and "Space Oddity". An internship that I am honored to have. My wonderful poetry workshop friends. The inspirations that still churn some form of writing out of me. Best friends back home. A relationship that is learning to grow. Wonderful books. Dance beats. Grad applications. Sisters.
Kick it to the curb, the rest of 2010. I'm ready to trample all over it.
[Ready to Start- Arcade Fire]
I'm honestly letting go of everything. It's serious tabula rosa, clean slate.
Because I'm not letting this year end so poorly. Because although there were a lot of challenges Fall quarter, that was then. All I can do is keep looking ahead. I'm not going to have the memories turn into a salt pillar or go back into Hades, but I will trust that they are there trailing behind even slightly. There were some warm moments then, and I treasure those forever.
But it's about what I can treasure now-- days of laughing with baristas, nighttime excursions for donuts, Thai food, and singing "Rock Lobster" and "Space Oddity". An internship that I am honored to have. My wonderful poetry workshop friends. The inspirations that still churn some form of writing out of me. Best friends back home. A relationship that is learning to grow. Wonderful books. Dance beats. Grad applications. Sisters.
Kick it to the curb, the rest of 2010. I'm ready to trample all over it.
[Ready to Start- Arcade Fire]
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I must become a lion hearted girl
What a familiar setting: It's 7:12 pm, I'm writing a 12 page research paper due tomorrow (on page 4!), have work at 545 am (may call my friend to switch with me so I can have 730 or whatever time it is), and a movie is playing in the background ((500) Days of Summer). "Freshman/Sophomore" Carly would have had this paper done about two weeks ago... But not "Junior/Senior Carly." With the help of my lovely friends, we all realized that, as English/LJ majors, we can write papers in a certain amount of time.
So, to quickly update before the month is over, I needed some sort of boost in terms of moral. Let's get this to happen!
* 2 grad apps down, about 5 to go!
* One of my finals papers got postponed/even cancelled. Basically, if I go to a self-defense class, I get an A... I'm doing it.
* I am representing UCI in the Ina Coolbrith Memorial Poetry Prize, along with my wonderful necklace twin Lynn. We are practicing humility--whatever happens, it's just wonderful to feel some sort of progression.
* I'm looking forward to school being done. It's back to the gym, back to reading for fun, having amazing adventures.
* I have an interview with Red Hen Press in Pasadena for a possible internship. Hopefully I find someone who wants to travel with me to experience the city (I want to make a fun day out of it).
* Today marks my one year anniversary with Coffee Bean. I have met the most beautiful people through working here, and I can't wait to experience the next year with them (depends on grad school, mind you, but still!)
* Thank goodness for my sister. She is the most amazing person in the entire world.
And for now, I'm still basking in the Thanksgiving fulfillment of soul... That sounds so corny. Basically, I'm grateful. Although there have been a lot of hurdles this quarter, it's still wonderful to breathe.
[Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)- Florence & the Machine]
So, to quickly update before the month is over, I needed some sort of boost in terms of moral. Let's get this to happen!
* 2 grad apps down, about 5 to go!
* One of my finals papers got postponed/even cancelled. Basically, if I go to a self-defense class, I get an A... I'm doing it.
* I am representing UCI in the Ina Coolbrith Memorial Poetry Prize, along with my wonderful necklace twin Lynn. We are practicing humility--whatever happens, it's just wonderful to feel some sort of progression.
* I'm looking forward to school being done. It's back to the gym, back to reading for fun, having amazing adventures.
* I have an interview with Red Hen Press in Pasadena for a possible internship. Hopefully I find someone who wants to travel with me to experience the city (I want to make a fun day out of it).
* Today marks my one year anniversary with Coffee Bean. I have met the most beautiful people through working here, and I can't wait to experience the next year with them (depends on grad school, mind you, but still!)
* Thank goodness for my sister. She is the most amazing person in the entire world.
And for now, I'm still basking in the Thanksgiving fulfillment of soul... That sounds so corny. Basically, I'm grateful. Although there have been a lot of hurdles this quarter, it's still wonderful to breathe.
[Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)- Florence & the Machine]
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