I've come to realize life is not about love with someone

As we drove back from lunch, I realized that I missed calling him "mine", but wanted to continue not being called "his".

I asked for time, as I always do. To figure things out, to let everything filter and sort itself out. I packed up bits of my life in make-shift mason jars- enough to see through but keep packed in. I told him once that I kept everything, read every day and thought. But it became too much.

It's for the better. It's not the love that dies out, but the strain of "time" and placement in life right now. Like a puzzle, we had to punch the piece in. Now, I'm working for effortless.

[I Want to Be Well- Sufjan Stevens]

Lay your eggs where it's warm

So far in 2011, I have

completed my 6th (and possibly final) application for grad school (note: 7th is pending on how I feel in the morning/if I can really handle writing more personal statements and essays/debating my financial circumstances... always.)

worked at Red Hen Press for a month, and am loving it (besides the gas mileage... weow)!

saw my sister off to the Big Apple, and am hopefully visiting her in March (fingers crossed! Again, depends on finances. but papa may help I hope).

rid myself of (most of) the sugary stuffs at the bean

began brewing my own coffee!!!

found the most amazing shoes ever (h&m.thankyou. also, thank you family for giftcards!)

get to sit in a row with my best friends during a morning class <3

listened to some great tunes: new girls' ep, lcd soundsystem, first aid kit, kexp artists (x1000), beach house, andrew (freakin) bird!!!

poemsprositrypoemspoemspoems. ohhh workshops!

mommy visits :)

sorting.life.ouuuuuuuut.

... mmmhmmm!

[Masterswarm- Andrew Bird]

To say the things I want to say to you

My love is more like a kettle than a box. More like the space within both and what fills it. Kettles need water to sweetly bubble, boil into taking more and softening it with heat. Boxes can be stuffed, air slowly escaping folds and breathing in crevices.

I felt my mind seal. It couldn't look past a room, however colorful the quilts and plants. Outside, I felt the rush of a sigh. And I knew (I've known) that something had to change.

I missed the chance for a real "End of the Year/Resolutions" post, but here it is, better late than never at all. I learned from the end of the year about friendship, and how deep the roots really are. I prepared myself for grad school apps (and I'm still 1-2 away from being completely done!). I received an internship, and left another (if only for a little while). I grew to love my job again. I realized the importance of sleep.

Most importantly, I've decided to put myself first. Which is very unlike me, to be perfectly honest. I'd rather see those around me happy first. But it was time.

My resolution is to strive towards happiness. I have walked out of a room of tropical plants and yarn to discover something beyond it. Maybe I just need a peek, a vacation, a moment.

Because if this is meant to be, then it will be. But for now, I am young, and I am ready.

[A Crime- Sharon van Etten]

Now I'm Ready!

Progress!

I'm honestly letting go of everything. It's serious tabula rosa, clean slate.
Because I'm not letting this year end so poorly. Because although there were a lot of challenges Fall quarter, that was then. All I can do is keep looking ahead. I'm not going to have the memories turn into a salt pillar or go back into Hades, but I will trust that they are there trailing behind even slightly. There were some warm moments then, and I treasure those forever.

But it's about what I can treasure now-- days of laughing with baristas, nighttime excursions for donuts, Thai food, and singing "Rock Lobster" and "Space Oddity". An internship that I am honored to have. My wonderful poetry workshop friends. The inspirations that still churn some form of writing out of me. Best friends back home. A relationship that is learning to grow. Wonderful books. Dance beats. Grad applications. Sisters.

Kick it to the curb, the rest of 2010. I'm ready to trample all over it.

[Ready to Start- Arcade Fire]

I must become a lion hearted girl

What a familiar setting: It's 7:12 pm, I'm writing a 12 page research paper due tomorrow (on page 4!), have work at 545 am (may call my friend to switch with me so I can have 730 or whatever time it is), and a movie is playing in the background ((500) Days of Summer). "Freshman/Sophomore" Carly would have had this paper done about two weeks ago... But not "Junior/Senior Carly." With the help of my lovely friends, we all realized that, as English/LJ majors, we can write papers in a certain amount of time.

So, to quickly update before the month is over, I needed some sort of boost in terms of moral. Let's get this to happen!

* 2 grad apps down, about 5 to go!
* One of my finals papers got postponed/even cancelled. Basically, if I go to a self-defense class, I get an A... I'm doing it.
* I am representing UCI in the Ina Coolbrith Memorial Poetry Prize, along with my wonderful necklace twin Lynn. We are practicing humility--whatever happens, it's just wonderful to feel some sort of progression.
* I'm looking forward to school being done. It's back to the gym, back to reading for fun, having amazing adventures.
* I have an interview with Red Hen Press in Pasadena for a possible internship. Hopefully I find someone who wants to travel with me to experience the city (I want to make a fun day out of it).
* Today marks my one year anniversary with Coffee Bean. I have met the most beautiful people through working here, and I can't wait to experience the next year with them (depends on grad school, mind you, but still!)
* Thank goodness for my sister. She is the most amazing person in the entire world.

And for now, I'm still basking in the Thanksgiving fulfillment of soul... That sounds so corny. Basically, I'm grateful. Although there have been a lot of hurdles this quarter, it's still wonderful to breathe.

[Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)- Florence & the Machine]

Look alive, see these bones

My Learns
By Ryan Luz, MFA grad at UCSD

I could forget something
like a city, if
I was there long enough,
it’s nothing like sex or
snow.

---

When I found this, it stuck with me for days. I shared it with my friend and she put it as her facebook status. This is what poetry should be doing- sticking with you, like trim fat against the muscle to provide some warmth.

I have debated "my learns" for the past few months, and I cannot help but feel uncertain.

How far do I need to dig through cold bones?

Just unfurl. Keep the positives happening. It will be worth it.

[See These Bones- Nada Surf]

Do you know what's moving me?

Karma.

It's the one thing that I really believe in. It's an energy, a way to make the world a better place. Project yourself out there with good deeds and kindness and it will come back to you sorta thing.

I have a slight ESP, mostly concerning urges about material items (should I bring this thing? maybe I shouldn't wear that because it will break today...). I go against it (rebelrebel). I end up breaking something, needing the item I left at home. And I would like to claim a few things about the world-- how my day will go, how a situation will play itself out.

It's like feeling chemistry. That sense of catching someone's eye, and holding a gaze for two seconds. Then letting go. Having it lock again, and taking a step backward just to acknowledge it with light conversation.

So what happens when something shakes you to the core?

As much as I like to say I'm over things, I'm not fully. I still have dreams. Wake up in shock. Catch my breath in the car after I realize I have dwelled for too long. A lingering sensation on the lips from a kiss that happened in a fever dream. I still felt the drop in my stomach, but gulped it down to maintain composure.

Because sometimes you have to encrypt a moment. Tuck it deep into memory. Let the universe take over. We found happiness on our own, and have finally come to terms with it.

Maybe the shaking wasn't just a heart quiver. Perhaps it was karma preparing for my heart to settle down.

[Meteor- The Bird and the Bee]