Do you know what's moving me?

Karma.

It's the one thing that I really believe in. It's an energy, a way to make the world a better place. Project yourself out there with good deeds and kindness and it will come back to you sorta thing.

I have a slight ESP, mostly concerning urges about material items (should I bring this thing? maybe I shouldn't wear that because it will break today...). I go against it (rebelrebel). I end up breaking something, needing the item I left at home. And I would like to claim a few things about the world-- how my day will go, how a situation will play itself out.

It's like feeling chemistry. That sense of catching someone's eye, and holding a gaze for two seconds. Then letting go. Having it lock again, and taking a step backward just to acknowledge it with light conversation.

So what happens when something shakes you to the core?

As much as I like to say I'm over things, I'm not fully. I still have dreams. Wake up in shock. Catch my breath in the car after I realize I have dwelled for too long. A lingering sensation on the lips from a kiss that happened in a fever dream. I still felt the drop in my stomach, but gulped it down to maintain composure.

Because sometimes you have to encrypt a moment. Tuck it deep into memory. Let the universe take over. We found happiness on our own, and have finally come to terms with it.

Maybe the shaking wasn't just a heart quiver. Perhaps it was karma preparing for my heart to settle down.

[Meteor- The Bird and the Bee]

There's no time to take

So, it's October?

I can't believe it. In such a short time I have taken the GRE, figured out what schools I wanted to apply to, pretty much completed a writing sample, started apps, worked about 22-30 hours per week, am expected to read about 2.25 books per week, fallen in love all over again, and kinda just tried not to drown?

It seems like life is really deciding to hit me hard. I don't like exposing too much about the distress in my life, but let's just say that I have been dealing with a lot. I'm relearning how to reach out. I'm relearning about friendship. Because at the end of the day, it reduces down to one thing: if you care about someone and they care about you, they will be there. Whether it be through study dates, lunch outings, random texts after a run-in... it's still nice to know I do have people who will catch me.

Just gotta keep moving through it. My horoscope said something on the lines of whatever situations I am in right now, they will clear up. And although I love me some fog, I would love to see that light at the end of the tunnel right about now.

[Feist- One Evening]

Now I need a whole lot more to keep me on the ground

Just a feeling, I think. Like waking up to the other side of the bed half empty except for an imprint, a shadow of a ghost. Realizing the next step is occurring now, much sooner than you thought it would.

"I thought we would get a few good years out of each other, at least".
Maybe the whole "growing up" thing is happening right now. Or that's just the nice excuse.

The obvious: I miss you[and you and you and you]. And I feel like I've just been run over by life. Why can't I just be like Roger Rabbit, stick my thumb in my mouth, and blow myself back up?

Although I have wonderful people to support me, it's just not the same.

[Laura Marling- Failure]

Keep gettin' funky on the scene

Just a snippet of what my life will consist of for the next few months:

- GRE (Oct. 8th)
- Grad school apps (now-Dec 1, hopefully sooner than that!)
-- UC Davis
-- SDSU
-- UCI
-- UCSD
-- Antioch
-- University of Texas, Michener
-- Indiana University?
- School (16 units- 12 for class, 4 for internship. But hey, I'm reading some excellent books!)
- The Bean

... and the soundtrack to live by at the moment...
~ Ra Ra Riot's The Orchard
~ Surfer Blood's Astro Coast
~ Broken Bells' Self-Titled
~ Sufjan Stevens' All Delighted People
~ Wolf Parade's Expo '86
~ Arcade Fire's The Suburbs
~ David Bowie... everything (when can you ever stop listening to Bowie?)
~ Laura Marling
(and other lil' robbly-doos in there).

Oh, and try to maintain a social life. Because hey, I'm human.

readysetgoooo!

[Janelle Monae ft. Big Boi- Tightrope]

Am I suspended in Gaffa?

I joke about having a rebel's mentality.

In fact, I'm a literal, "follow-the-rules" type. I used to not let my sister play a boardgame if she were under the age range. I lined things up as a child. Read every direction and went in order out of fear of breaking something.

But I would burst a seam here and there-- stay out past curfew, linger at a park in a parked car past closing, feel the weight of a cell phone in my pocket when it should be in my purse while at work.

I melted into life. Set a routine. Made business deals with karma. Gained and lost.
Felt bland. And soon every call became something fiscal, something due, something needing change. I would seek something other than paper and numbers. Move easily to the side, then fall deep into mundane.

I felt the blurred edges of moments that pushed out of this. The mysterious light in the ocean, with helicopters perfectly still as planets. Us breathing, watching intently after being lost for an hour. Then everything vanishing- did the light sink, the fog roll in without our true acknowledgment? Making a mystery out of thin air.

So as I sat today, anxious about everything that needs to be settled, I collected myself into realizing where I may be now and where I am going, pulling at thin strings of the past and thinking of what could have been and what has been. And I realize now that I need to let go, let the moments float off like balloons, and hope that this whole "future business" is not business at all, but just another adventure to explore with whoever decides to grab my hand and run with me.

(... slightly sappy, but hey, I need that for now!)

[Suspended in Gaffa- Ra Ra Riot]

I can feel the planets at work

Have faith that the universe will line things up for you, and everything will fall in place. It will work out

And as impatient as I am, I am trying my best. My faith is connected to the body, to the heart that pumps and pulls, latches and drags onto every vein, every nerve, every ounce of signifying calm or pressure. And every thought rushes through me completely, stopping to only make me nauseous, to cause my head to spin and make me weaker in the knees.

If I am so strong, if I know that the above symmetry will happen, then why do I feel myself slipping to the ground?

An easy conversation to resolve. And the basic point of love is progression, to nurture and watch it grow (plant towards the sun, right?) I'm taking it all in, and if this is the way the universe falls, then I will not stand in the way.

Gotta keep my muscles goin', y'know?

[Feedback in the Field- Plants and Animals]

When I'm by myself, I can be myself

I've been in one of those "rewrite the same blog" phases for a week now. Perhaps longer, since it's been practically a month since I've written anything here.

But I've lived in monotony- woke up, worked, went home, ate, visited, slept. Rinse and repeat, an old rag torn to bits, starting at the corners or seams to work itself to the middle.

I began the original blog by saying "I am not the expectation type". I then began another, saying "I admit that I fall for people". I explained through coded monologue what my life has been, how I've come to these conclusions. I then deleted everything, only to be left with this slight edge of mind.

Perhaps I hold onto a memory for too long. But this summer has left me knowing that I can leave all of that behind, because some memories are not as important to people. I am told to let go, and I will do just that.


[Empty Room- Arcade Fire]