When I'm by myself, I can be myself

I've been in one of those "rewrite the same blog" phases for a week now. Perhaps longer, since it's been practically a month since I've written anything here.

But I've lived in monotony- woke up, worked, went home, ate, visited, slept. Rinse and repeat, an old rag torn to bits, starting at the corners or seams to work itself to the middle.

I began the original blog by saying "I am not the expectation type". I then began another, saying "I admit that I fall for people". I explained through coded monologue what my life has been, how I've come to these conclusions. I then deleted everything, only to be left with this slight edge of mind.

Perhaps I hold onto a memory for too long. But this summer has left me knowing that I can leave all of that behind, because some memories are not as important to people. I am told to let go, and I will do just that.


[Empty Room- Arcade Fire]

As I clean my throat, I'm mystified

Stress continued to bang and clang its rearing head, pounding until it hit some nerve. (In plain english.. yeah, I had a bit of a breakdown. But there are some people who have it way worse than I do, so I don't want to dwell on it).

And even in the shaking, I found thoughts of you in mixed CDs and random outbursts of song. Because it was at my birthday party four years ago we first sang in front of each other. It was two years ago we went to a concert together and danced without a care. This past winter break, we stumbled upon the closed doors to a favorite coffee shop, making us wander to another and sit in the warmth of a car, as if it were a fire. The necklace that hangs above the dash is the same tinted red of the heart you wore, carved with a brown or black string through it. Although we found ourselves busy, I still called and you still answered, even for a minute. And I called tonight out of longing, and you replied that you were coming home for a weekend, and thank goodness I called (because in your truest fashion, you only tell if inquired).

It's funny to say, but what got us to be as close as we are were our attractions to each other. I mean, you made me blush. I made you laugh. We showered each other with compliments, guitar and writing serenades, honesty. And in that blunt nature we found a friendship that had no boundaries, one that could be pushed to a new conversational limit as we outlined parks with our feet and breathed out stories in fog.

These are my favorite types of friendships, the ones that have a spark.

[Social Competence- Peter Moren]

Cool it mister ice cream sun//The storm is breaking with the shaking

[Written in the night]

Nostalgia hits me hardest in the later hours. In light minutes my mind seems to travel towards the future, beyond the occurring (the horizon where now ends). An obvious dichotomy of day and night, past and future.

My current space breathes with car rides (a common theme as of late), sunshine burning my skin, scent changes, early nights. My time was spent only a few weeks ago staying up late, old television softly glowing, the pressure of books against our knees (and mostly a blue couch) as the words tended to sink lower instead of into our heads (though we let on eventually that work was accomplished). I now read (although still mostly leisurely) to feel even that slight sense of study... Steady. A steady sense of grounding myself.

And I make it sound as if I am longing for the past, but only aspects of it. Because I know how exciting these summer moments are, full of beer froth and rock dust. I'm just longing to relive the quarter miles that took us to warm cookies and iced coffee.

--
[Written in daylight]

Four hours of sleep later and a warm shower slumbered and washed the twitch away. Time straightened itself out like floss being wrapped around one's index finger (the moment pulled into a curl).

I want to tightrope across this schedule of ours and be able to grab your hand and run. It's hard to break habits, and although we were not habitual, I'm hoping that the same thought has crossed you even for a second.

Because yeah, I miss you and stuffs!

[Everything Starts Where It Ends- Lovedrug & Zorbing- Stornoway]

Oh! I woke up from a fever dream

One of my best friends and I decided to do a book swap in December. I traded him Andre Breton's Nadja for his copy of Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami in December. After that we hung out weekly because of our internship, and caught on to how busy our lives would be. But we both swore to try and read, because these books were completely worth having to stay up a bit later to catch a few paragraphs.

So I read earnestly, but school kept getting in the way or I had to finish another book right before I could get to this one. Summer came with my having about 100 pages to go. I never forgot how beautiful the prose was, how the story would grip me at times.
And within these past few days, I have been swallowed whole by this narrative. It was one of those "perfect timing" books, where it was seen through the prisms of other books that crossed my way that in this moment, I were to read this and have this passage affect me in that certain way.

It's just one of those beautiful things about living. Finding that correlation between reality and the print on a musty page. Music hits me in the same way, as another friend told me that he still remembers me referencing "Julia" by the Beatles in an old xanga post.

Give me good prose, and you have me.

[Yulia- Wolf Parade]

We do the dance up on the plains

Summer in Materialism (aka I need to list things)

Summer Sounds (oh, a huge list of desires)
-- Stars (Five Ghosts. I must preorder this for the EP before Tues <3)
-- Janelle Monae (got it!)
-- Joanna Newsom (Have One on Me)
-- She & Him (Vol. 2)
-- The National (got it!)
-- Tokyo Police Club (got it!)
-- The Roots
-- Arcade Fire (The Suburbs out August 2)
-- Sia (We are Born)
-- Wolf Parade (Expo '86 out June 29)
-- The Pains of Being Pure at Heart (new singles!)
-- School of Seven Bells (Disconnect from Desire out July 12)
-- MGMT (Congratulations)
-- Surfer Blood (Astro Coast)
-- Broken Bells (self-titled)
-- God Help the Girl- Baby You're Blind single

Words on Pages
-- Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood
-- Jules et Jim
-- True Blood books (teehee)
-- Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
-- William S. Burroughs' Naked Lunch
-- ... I need more poets to look into!

Flashing Images
-- TRUE BLOOD <3
-- Toy Story 3
-- Sex & the City 2 (and the series. thanks HBO)
-- Dexter
-- Weeds
-- Ghost Hunters
-- Top Chef D.C.

Traveling Feet
-- Just take me anywhere :)

[Grass- Animal Collective]

Cause it's good to be back

While my best friend is graduating (and having another best friend watch him), I have found time to complete the inevitable "End of the Year" post!

And my, what an intense year it was. The E28Besties embarked on Operation World Domination... and I think we all succeeded. We conquered E100, LJ103, LJ workshops, poetry workshops, Spanish classes, english classes... And we all found bits and pieces of life that make us really, really happy. I am surrounded by such wonderful and successful individuals, ranging from a New U Editor-in-Chief, a PUSO board member, a New U copy editor, and an EAP employee. World Domination kept us pretty busy, but I can honestly say that at the end of the day, it was this group of amazing people that nevertheless keep my heart in Irvine. I am demanding that we'll be able to combine forces and seriously take over the universe next :)

I have to briefly mention the amazing... moments that have happened this year. Two more publications. Becoming a New Forum Editor (for Spring and the rest of the year). UCI Poetry Academy internship. Wr111 Workshop... Every single moment has been superb, extremely sweet and insanely mind blowing. I have honestly met the most amazing people in these experiences, and some of these people will be in my life for... an extremely long time. Workshop, in particular, broke me down in the best ways possible. I felt myself really grow up, and I discovered passion all over again because of it.

Now, I could look at the year through all the classes (and professors this year ranged from pure frustration with the atmosphere to sheer delight and spasms as they walked on by)... but the parenthesis pretty much said everything.

If anything, this year was about finding happiness. I searched for it through my work, through keeping connections with amazing friends, through the trials and tribulations of young love... And I think I've found a lot of it. I'm leaving the school year reveling in the amount of knowledge and challenges I faced, but with a sense that I have really grown up.

Now, bring on that sun.

[Breakneck Speed- Tokyo Police Club]

Well the truth be a lion stone cold messiah

Bits and Blurbs (some sort of slightly corny prose).

We sat around a table. Asked what I love you means-- a promise, a momentary release of expressed emotion, another form of I miss you. I said for now, it means I'm here for you. But it is more. The most important sentiment about those three words, those eight letters, is the you. It can be said to anyone, truly. It's not that hard to love in any form, yet we stress that middle part of the phrase with different tones, inflections, a weight because it contains one extra letter.
But when said, it is directed to you. It is one of the fastest phrases to come out of my mouth, and yet I shy away when that middle word is supposed to contain some sort of significance. And definitions are ever-changing, just as the you is always someone different (because we are changing constantly). When said too much, we move away from the core of it. When said too little, we shy away from giving the phrase life, fullness. You are the one that inspires the five letters before I arrive to the three that represent you namelessly. We can add on names for specifics, but you already know your own name.
I carry the weight of a phrase and support you when it lands on your shoulders.

---

And I can't tell how much I miss faces. How we all were. But the past cannot come back because it has become an illusion, a ghost to make us remember. And it has been so quiet. I hear creaking footsteps and somehow wish they came from other feet hitting the floor. Maybe the ants would listen as I listen now.

---

[Water in Hell- Broken Social Scene]