But don't you love her, deep down, I said don't ever, Because it's gonna keep him hanging around

There is this one stunning picture of an Asian model in a white tank top for CK (Calvin Klein) One in Nylon's Pretty (if I can find the photo, I'll upload it here).

I'm sitting here in the dark listening to Spoon, orange peels scattered on my right knee, completely bare-faced. The only light (besides the subtle glow coming from the shuttered window adjacent to me) is from the computer screen. I happened to look up into the mirror- the light is making an interesting (I hate that word) silhouette.

While observing my reflection, I happened to be catching up on all the fashion blogs I've been missing out on for the past two weeks (finals + cruise, which was a really fun time). I happened to discover how one of my favorites blogged about a maternity blog... A fashionable one at that.

So my interest was sparked. I looked through picture after picture trying to discover her looks, clicking through pages of baby photos... and my maternal instinct captivated me.

For those who know me, I have been known to say I have a huge fear of pregnancy. It honestly began after reading (the incredible/one of my all-time favorites) East of Eden in the 11th grade. There was a class discussion that took place about a moment where an instrument for curing an STD was mentioned, and my teacher had to draw it... It was a metal, spiky Christmas tree looking device that literally gives me the heebee jeebees.

Since then, I just developed this fear.

"you should really think about this
it sounds like an interesting starting point for something"
- 0.5
(he's not letting me forget about this. thank you sir!)

hmm.hmmhmmhmm.

[Don't You Evah- Spoon]

In every way, I've changed since then

You know those... thingies that go "this is to this as that is to that"
Like, blue:green::red:orange.
Well, if I did one, it would be a bit too confessional, and I'm not revealing all my secrets tonight (today, really, if you look at the time).
Basically, I realized that you are to me as she is to him (mmm code work. slightly).

There were frantic wheels when I realized this. Realizations cause speed. So I sped, knowing that even if I found you, I would have to slow my actions down, lock my arms in place, put on stoicism for passion and try to enter into cool confessional-ity.

I remembered how you once flailed your arms in front of you to demonstrate how I wanted to hold onto you. I laughed and took your hand in mine anyways, opting to wait until your arm fell to your side and slipping ever so slightly into its warmth.

As I searched you out, your ghost taunted me, flailing.
I relaxed, a quick flash of laughter at my own stupidity.
I cupped my hands together for warmth, put them to my mouth, breathed fog (it hid your ghost).

And you have been gone from my heart. And I smiled.

[The First Five Times- Stars]

I feel that word for you

4 Moments (just to unfurl)

1.

-"I've been meaning to ask you about that"
--"About what?"
-"What you meant by 'I think we'd be good for each other'?"
--"I mean that exactly. Do you doubt it?"
-"Well..."
--"I feel it. It's instinct"

... Well, it sure would be quite the story, and I always think to myself about it. I remain guarded, but so do you. We melt away and fall into routine. Are we finally ready to admit that? Are we finally falling into the undercurrent?

---

2.

Whenever I hear your voice, I feel peace within my soul. I sometimes catch myself inching my hand closer to yours, lingering that extra second if I get the opportunity to do so. I am far too nervous to actually do it, but I hear you're preoccupied, which is fine by me. Truly fine. Because we have an absolutely beautiful thing going.

---

3.

A wall goes up, and this is when I mime. I control the urge to just slip my hand into yours, to write down exactly what I want to say... I play cool, calm, and collected. But when you want something, you make that effort. I don't know why I feel myself knot up at the thought of you, why I unfurl when I get the briefest moment. I have reached out for "the last time". If you don't reach back, then... I must "simply" let go.

---

4.

We're so similar. Thank goodness for that. I can see us in rocking chairs, recollecting about past novels and poems and tall tales from our youth while having modest careers and that someone to tuck in at night. Every conversation, every chuckle... it trickles down and gives me something more than just reassurance. You're a keeper.

---

[Worn Me Down- Rachael Yamagata]

Say a word that's quiet, not half the way there

Disjunct Within the Mind

---

Lately, I cut myself off.

And I can't help it. I cut myself off in front of everyone, and so far, there has been one exception.
(Thank goodness for you, other half. Our conversations are... amazing).
It's not serious- I just notice it. So don't take it as my holding back.

---

I'm so happy for you, don't question that. Ever. Because seeing your smile makes me happy.

---

Time.

[Oh, La- Ra Ra Riot]

We have taken to the streets in open rejoice

"After reading your work, I can say that you are a caliber above them all".

(wow. speechless for.... a long time).

My thoughts in picture form:













[Paris is Burning- St. Vincent]

I'm not the carpet you walk on, I'm not one small atomic bomb

Third Publication in UCI New Forum (the poem below is featured in the Winter 2010 Edition)!

---
Splinter

To say the glass fell from the sky is ridiculous
But I have not told you, my darling,
That the cabinets and ceilings are part of the division
Between what is beyond us and near us, and
Just because they are white and close to the windows
Does not mean that you can reach in and grab at will.

I carry you to safety, to the plush carpet
Beneath your feet, where the ceramic slivers will
Not cross into your being.
At your age, I never want you to experience
That painful cut. I want you to remain porcelain and complete,
Sitting on my shelf with shadows crossing your reflection.

With broom in hand, I sweep the mess you made.
I watch with precision. There will be no trace
Of any of this material faltering.
But I feel my back pulling away.
It splits along the vertebrae and juts into
Paralysis as you climb to reach the sky again.

I don’t know how much longer I will be able to hold you up.
---

It is always amazing to see my words in print. The most amazing aspect were the friends (and sibling!) who went to support me... I could not have asked for more. From the beautiful intro to my poem to my reading it to the compliments afterwards... I am dumbfounded with how my work is being taken in. Truly, I am just aspiring for the stars and doing whatever I can to reach them...

So thank you.

[Now Now- St. Vincent]

I'm obsolete, But if the chance remained, To see those better days, I'd cut the cannons down

I deleted the last post (and damn, there was some good metaphor in there).

I try to filter my mind, shift through memories, keep the gold and toss the silt back into the mix.
There was some silt that needed to be tossed. I couldn't keep up something that was based on assumptions.

My philosophy on life is to base it within emotion. Although irrational, I will ride on the back of pathos until the cows come home. I believe(d) that emotion- pure, unrequited- can surpass any obstacle. (There's the hope. There's the optimism). But one must be open to circumstance, to logic, to the mind's interference... Because rational is key. It curves the emotions so as to keep them within the constraints that we must adapt to (otherwise, we would be wild and reckless within our freedom). I am not saying that emotions are the way to go at all times... Rather, I believe that if there is feeling, there are ways to bypass circumstance.

I'm in deep. I shouldn't be. The timing was off (mingling with a few other unfortunate matters). And I'm not one to believe in planning the future when circumstances are in constant fluctuation, but... I feel.
Perhaps the stars will align to create a silver lining.
I'm watching the skyline to see this effect. I can't say for how long before I blink away, but I will glance back occasionally and smile.

(ps- thank you to the following
Dull Life- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Salesman- White Rabbits
Unfold and Please Don't Tell Her- Jason Mraz
Vagabond feat. Shad K- Hey Ocean)

[Giving Up the Gun- Vampire Weekend]