A million broken beats drove right through me. I took a breath, another one, and simply walked away.

It's finally gone through me.

I was letting a feeling ride itself out. I kept faith, because when you expressed something 4 months ago I was amazed. I thought, How did this happen? What sort of cosmos came together to have this occur? What being do I owe for this? But time has proven itself again and again.
I was racing to catch you always. I realize that now.

You began the race, and I finished it.
I waited on your words, in rain, in the midst of academia.
You figured it out.

And the most amazing people stood and watched me in this race. They saw my staggering. They replenished whatever water I lost. Yet I continued to run, because I wanted the adrenaline rush, the heart swelling, the muscular strain that comes with it all.
I was wrapped up in your perfection.

The words you deserve better have been said again and again. For my modesty I accepted them with kindness, but my mind could not wrap around it (one girl knows this, as she has said it to me every day as she watched me come and go).

Today it hit me. A customer came in, "How's my favorite doing?" (I blushed and replied). "Do you remember my order?" (I forgot. He forgave me). "So, what are you doing tomorrow? I'm sure you have a whole slew of dates lined up for you?" (No, I don't. I actually...). "WHAT?! Explain this to me!" (I explained). "Sweetheart, promise me something (insert it here). You deserve nothing but the best. I'm checking in on you. Promise?" (Deal).

If a person who has only seen me a few times can see this, why couldn't you?
It's not a question I need answered. Your actions were louder than your words. But their words are resonating louder still.

Thank you dn, dl, jr, sm, dg, as, mb, bm, mc, ep, abci, sm.
I'm letting go.

[Beatboxer Who Broke My Heart- Hey Ocean!]

The rest is sure to lay me ease the plural hurts of the words of reverse psychology

So... what's this week's excuse?

I'm not letting my heart swell this time.
(believe me when I say it will... I just can't show it)

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."
(Thanks Michael "Heartbreaker" <3)

[Please Don't Tell Her- Jason Mraz]

If I had my way I'd cross the desert to the sea. Learn to speak in tongues, something that makes sense to you and to me

I should not be on this at all, but it's time for a bit of code work, a bit of mind sedimentation (a la the 4 humors)

Notes to self-
Humorism/humoralism.
Escogology (supposedly it doesn't exist)

Charlotte Gainsbourg.
Los Campesinos!
Surfer Blood.
Spoon.
Yeasayer.
Wildbirds & Peacedrums.
Frightened Rabbit.
Midlake.
Sleigh Bells.

Call and Response.
(silly longing for it
the knots in my stomach attest to it
... please don't let me down with it).
33 hours, and the dark grooves of espresso on my palms after.
(I'm too kind for it).
Breathebreathebreathe.
(born doing it)
And let go.

[Me and Jane Doe- Charlotte Gainsbourg]

Attractive day in the rubble of the night before

1:52-1:55
hjntiy.
it gives me faith, and I hate to give into these girlish tendencies.
... but faith in something gets people through the day, right?

so I'm human, I get my hopes up.
and when they're up for an optimist, they fly. they free-fall a majority of the time to safe landings... No parachute catching on a chord, no panic, endorphins running through the cleansing air, the impact of landing and running those extra few feet to meet halfway with the stride of another. Of the plan finally happening.

it's faith. and my faith is believing in others. striving to allow others to see the potential best I know they have within themselves.
and it's foolishness. because I know how much trusting someone and believing in someone can do to another's psyche- it's draining.
but I want them to be mixed. I want to experience my foolishness for all its worth. because I have faith in this potential. because my running of the pathos is hopefully absorbed by those I believe in, only to be cycled through constantly.

I felt my feet hit the ground. the thuds were boisterous. and I ran to no avail. but it's okay... perhaps you're just farther away for now. and I'm willing to wait- I have faith for when we met in the middle. you're just running late.

[Fireworks- Animal Collective]

I think you are that ting that will be this autumn crush

For christmas, my best friend gave me a locket.
I teared up, because it has been the one thing I've always wanted for the holidays.
And it's beautiful- a vintage bronze encrusted with crystals.

What is magical is the picture(s) that one puts in it. They mean something to the person wearing it. People continuously open it, and are shown the smiling faces. They understand the sentiment behind it, but they cannot know the sentiment within it. Between bent, cut-out corners and the circular backings, the wearer does not need to constantly open it to know what is inside- they placed it there. Honest. Safe. Locked into place so easily, with no deliberation, no hesitation- just pure, uninhibited.

There is the myth that when one's necklace backing brings itself to the front, one must kiss it before they hide it again, because it moved due to someone thinking about the wearer.

I placed you in my make-shift locket, and as the break went on, I questioned my decision.
Was it too soon? Did I just trust you too easily?
... But you were there. Locked. The corners began to peel, but I wasn't ready to replace you. I wasn't ready for the glue to lose its elasticity.
I stood there the next time I saw you, and opened myself- no hesitation, uninhibited.
I let the sentiment escape my lips- I('m) let(ting) you in.
I believe in... (Can I say this?)
Us.
After I saw you, I kissed the backing- it shifted directly in front of me.
So easily. With no deliberation.
Just pure.

[Falling in Fall- Those Dancing Days]

Oh, my wrists are weak but if I could, I'd lift your body

Anything I write here will be too telling.
I'm attempting codes...

I'm sorry.
A+ to you.
Rachael Yamagata, you got me again.
I'm longing for the space between my eyelids- that space where sleep is inches away.
Without the palpitations.
Without the nerves shaking within my mind.
Gets it?
I'm focusing on getting it.
And once I get it, I'll feel it out.
Let it ride its course, straight through me, and that will be that.

But for now, stoic sensibility.

[Truly posted: 4:27 am]
[Wrists- Tegan & Sara]

Pentagon in paralax, A foretold rumbling sounds below the deep, Come and see

Realization: We are creatures of habit.

Growing up, we become accustomed to routine. The waking up at a certain time every day, going to a place, working, seeing the same faces again and again. Sitting in the same seat, coming home to sleep in the same bed, setting the alarm to repeat it all again.

But there are spontaneous moments- the conversations, the new faces that are passed from one's routine to another's, an intermingling of minds breathing in front of new bodies.

And as we grow older, we can only adapt to molding ourselves with and in-between routine and spontaneity. We keep with them, adding and removing what we will with the knowledge that some things are only temporary. The location remains the same, but the conversation lifts and falls with the times and events that the spontaneity of the mind creates as it reflects upon the world, creating every action and reaction that sets the routine in motion.

So we create habits. What we find pleasurable becomes habitual- we smile around those who bring us joy, we get used to another's voice, we find walking to the same place even enjoyable as an action we must perform. After a repeated action, we begin to find comfort in our situations, while realizing there is an element of change.

I believe that people are changing constantly- every second we are becoming more aware of ourselves, growing with the realization that occurs on our paths towards happiness. Human desire in itself wants a steady platform, a sense of stability... but it must be woken up through bursts of freshness so as not to bore itself. We need both- the fluctuation within solidity, the cracks within our foundation that allow for breathing (a constant motion that always contains new life).

Monday starts another routine. I am hoping that spontaneity leads back to answering a question that I posed about three weeks ago.
Let's get this going <3
[The Island: Come and See- The Decemberists]